


It has always been you

by Lilleke



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-04-23 09:43:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4872085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilleke/pseuds/Lilleke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While still living in the Capitol Cressida had already laid an eye on the young Johanna. However, she never made it to talk to her and only the time finally brought them together again, in district 13.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Walking away from everything I had

**Author's Note:**

> I just had an idea for this fic and decided to write it down, because there isn't enough written about Cressida for my taste. English isn't my first language and it didn't have any beta, so if you spot any mistakes I would be glad if you told me.
> 
> Despite that I hope you'll enjoy it. Also I try to post regulary, but sometimes real life gets me, but I try my best.
> 
> PS: Other appearing characters will be added soon. I've the story planned out for the two, so let's see who will decide to join them.

_only to find you_

 

She walked along the corridor. The air was cold and she was shivering a little. They had come back just two days ago and it had been a disaster for Katniss. That much she knew. She was used to hide, not walking around much, totally focused on her job, the work, the main goal she came here for. In no way was she shy, she just felt different. Her appearance was kind of abnormal and others looked at her as if she was somewhat alien.

Without knowing where she was actually heading to, she found herself in front of the hospital section.

“Are you looking for someone?” A kind female voice woke her up of her thoughts. Her eyes meet tired blue ones and she only shook her head, but before she could fully turn herself around again, she hesitated.

“Maybe I do.” A questioning gaze scanned her, but Cressida simply passed her and entered the section. No one was really paying attention to her.

It was very busy in here, the nurses and doctors rummaged around and again she felt displaced as she usually did wherever she was in 13. The only place where she felt right was outside in the districts, where they shoot the propaganda videos. There she could walk around freely, people listened to her and didn't lance her so many weird looks.

“Excuse me, who are you looking for?” The blue eyed girl stood in front of her again.

“Johanna.” Cressida said staring around the room taking in the whole of it, it was plain white that it almost hurt her eyes. She hated hospitals. “Johanna Mason.”

The girl only nodded and brought her to another room where she left her alone in front of the door. Cressida wasn't even sure she wanted to see the girl. That wasn't Johanna anymore, she changed, changed and broken by the Capitol.

Fighting all her doubts she quietly stepped inside the room which looked like any other in 13 besides that there was only one bed in it and it was bigger and a lot of machines and medical arrangements were placed around it. The walls were as blank as everywhere and Cressida hated it. A small plate with gone cold soup stood waiting to be eaten on the little table besides the bed.

Johanna scanned her enquiringly while Cressida still stood at the door, which closed behind her almost making no noise while doing so.

“You.” Johanna sat up and Cressida couldn't understand her gaze. She couldn't read it. She was good at reading people, at understanding them, very well actually. That's what made her a good director.

“You.” Johanna repeated and this time her voice was louder and much clearer than before.

“Me.” Cressida walked over to the bed her fingers wandered over the soft fabric of the blanket that covered Johanna’s body, before she sat down on the edge of it looking directly at the young woman.

“This must be a nightmare.” Cressida could barely hear those words, but understood her struggle.

“You're safe here. Safe from the capitol.” She felt kind of helpless around Johanna. This was a feeling she always had around her, but they actually didn't meet that often before and Johanna probably never really noticed her. It was Cressida who sucked up every little bit she could get from her and now she was here and couldn’t even remember when she decided to go and see the other woman. She couldn’t even remember why.

“How can you say that? You're obviously one of them. I know you. I know, who you are. What's this? Why do your people don't kill me? Why do I have to suffer this much?” Her voice grew louder and in the end she was screaming at the blond woman with the half shaved head and the outstanding tattoo on the hairless side.

“I'm not one of them despite being capitol born, I never was Johanna. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.” Cressida stood up and walked around the bed and only stopped by the little window, which showed into the small corridor in front of the small room. “You're in 13 Johanna. They saved you and Peeta.”

“I don't understand.” Johanna whispered.

Cressida slowly turned around again facing Johanna for a moment before she grabbed the chair that was waiting in one corner and once more sat down next to the other women with the fully shaven head, before she started to explain to her what actually had happened.

It was good to talk to Johanna. Of course over the time they had both built up big walls around themselves for their own sakes, for their own chance to survive this. They talked, but it never was about them themselves. It was always about what was happening around them.

Soon it grow into a habit for Cressida to spend all her free time with Johanna. Often they just sat next to each other in silence. However, neither of them found it awkward. It was an enjoyable silence. Silence they both needed and a silence they both agreed to without ever really discussing it. Cressida's visits in the hospital were peaceful moments for Johanna. She was mostly alone, actually had no one else and despite all the mistrust she still felt towards the other woman, she enjoyed her presence. However, she was from the Capitol and for Johanna it still wasn’t clear why she was here and what she wanted from her. Will that nightmare ever end?

 


	2. You killed my heart just to see, if I will rise

_Above your anger and above your lies_

 

Cressida’s visits ended as soon as Johanna left the hospital and started sharing a room with Katniss. She felt a little displaced, felt wrong again as usually and drowned herself into her work as if all the days with Johanna had never happened. It had been nice to see someone regularly, but she wasn’t anyone who grew attached to people, at least she told that to herself. It was lie, she refused to correct. Johanna filled up her mind, distracted her much more than she wanted and kept her awake during her already short nights.

 

Johanna on the other hand missed their talks, even missed the presence of the other woman, while she still felt mistrust against her, the Capitol born one. The one who grew up in a privileged family, who never had anything to worry about and probably only came here seeking adventures. The capitol citizens are just too stupid. This was the lie Johanna told herself, to distract her mind, to guide her thoughts away from the beautiful young woman.

 

Actually Johanna knew nothing about Cressida’s past or her motives. However, living with Katniss made her feel lonely again. They both weren’t huge talkers and so, after a few days Johanna started wandering around in the labyrinth district 13 seemed to be for her. She wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but she was looking for the blond woman with the crooked smile.

 

“Are you alright?” A kind male voice that belonged to the man she just ran into made her look up. His head was shaven, just as hers and he had beautiful dark eyes that looked worried at her. She didn’t like it since it made her feel weak and she wasn’t weak. Another lie.

 

“Yes, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention where I was walking.” Johanna murmured and wanted to walk on, but the guy was still holding her. It wasn’t a strong grab and she could free herself easily, but what he said, made her stop. “Aren’t you Johanna Mason?”

 

She only nodded frowning at him, but actually she shouldn’t be that surprised that people knew her, after all she has been a tribute twice, was imprisoned and tortured by the Capitol and was freed and brought here just little more than two weeks ago. “Yes, why?” Her voice was harsh. She didn’t want to talk. Not about herself, not about what happened, she just wanted to be left in peace.

 

“She talked a lot about you.” Is all he answered and it confused as well as annoyed her. Couldn’t he just say what he wants? Johanna wasn’t someone who had a lot of patience and especially when she was afraid, that someone could ask her painful questions, she panicked quickly and just wanted to run away.

 

“Who’s she?” Johanna rolled her eyes, but tried to stay calm. Nothing of this was his fault, she kept telling herself. However, she still had a long way in front, which’s end she’ll might not even reach. She doubted it, felt too broken to ever live a normal life again.

 

With his next words he finally gained her full attention. “Cressida, the director. She visited you a lot, but somehow, she stopped doing so and I wondered why. She can be difficult, I know.”

 

“Aren’t we all?” He finally let go of her arms and they just hung next to her body as if they didn’t even belong to it. “Where’s she?”

 

He only showed her a direction before excusing himself and heading into the opposite direction leaving the bald woman behind. Johanna followed the way he showed her and ended up in front of a door that looked just like all the others in 13, but it was a special one for her and she hesitated before she finally knocked and to her surprise the door automatically opened.

 

“Messalla I told you to leave me alone.” Cressida was sitting on a small chair working on some monitors in front of her, but her back was turned towards the door. Her voice had a friendly undertone, but it also was a strict order.

 

In the meanwhile the door closed behind Johanna and she didn’t move, didn’t do any noise, and just kept watching the other woman working on some videos, where she could spot Katniss and Gale. She bit her lip, what was going on here? What was the blond woman doing? And who was Messalla? Was he the guy she met before?

 

“I know, you are still –“Cressida turned around and her jaw dropped open, when she saw Johanna standing there instead of her assistant, so that she simply stopped talking without finishing her sentence.

 

Johanna frankly walked over and took a closer look at the video footage. “What are you doing here?” She scanned the various monitors that all showed different films.

 

Cressida struggled between pushing the other woman away, while being scared she could ruin anything and just starting to explain everything to her, to enjoy her presence as long as she could. “Don’t touch anything” Was all that left her mouth in the end and she mentally slapped herself for that, because Johanna’s gaze darkened, while she stepped back.

 

“I knew it.” Her finger was pointing at the other woman and she was still walking backwards until she hit against the wall. She was furious. Hated herself that she even tried to trust that woman, that traitor.

 

“You knew what?” Cressida stood up and crossed her arms in front of her body looking directly into Johanna’s wonderful eyes in which she could clearly see all the anger she just provoked.

 

The other woman was walking along the wall towards the door not lifting her gaze from the young director. “You traitor!” She screamed at her and the door opened behind her.

 

However, she didn’t get the chance to leave before Cressida took hold of her arm. It was a much stronger grab then the one she had experienced before. It made her panic, but the other woman was pretty strong to her surprise and so she found herself pushed up against the wall seconds later, while the blond woman’s face was so incredibly close that Johanna could feel her warm breath on her skin.

 

Cressida’s whole body was basically pressed against Johanna’s. She didn’t notice how much the other woman panicked under her, didn’t notice that she actually hurt her while holding her arm pressing it up against the massive wall. She just panicked as much, too. Why did the other woman call her a traitor? How could she even be one? She hated the Capitol as much as everyone else here did, if not even more. However, Cressida still was marked as the one from the enemy’s territory and Johanna spreading rumours about her being a traitor could ruin her, she knew that much.

 

“Guard your tongue!” Her voice was trembling as much as her body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Title taken from: The Kooks - You don't love me*


	3. The devil inside controls my life

_in this breath I am lost_

 

It took Johanna a moment, before she could put herself together again and this time it was her to press up the blond against the wall. The movement was that fast that it took Cressida by surprise. She couldn’t fight it off and deep in her, she also didn’t want to. She didn’t want to fight with Johanna.

 

The young woman seemed to notice Cressida’s surrender and let her go. “I’m sorry” The blonde whispered and dropped her gaze. “I didn’t…I mean I should have simply explained to you what I’m doing here.”

 

Johanna nibbled on her lip a little nervously. She knew that they both overreacted, but who was there to blame? We’re both just too broken for this world, she thought to herself, while Cressida walked over to her chair, where she sat down looking devastated.

 

Her body was turned away from the other woman and she was supporting herself on the desk with the monitors on it. “We’re doing propaganda shots, mostly out in the districts with Katniss and Gale, my team and I.”

 

Johanna stayed quiet and had trouble hearing the words that left Cressida’s mouth. She was whispering as if she was sharing a secret. “We need those, spreading them out into the districts to keep the revolution alive.” Cressida continued when the younger woman didn’t took the chance to react.

 

They never talked about what Cressida was actually doing here and for Johanna it was like the first piece of information about the other woman. She had been telling her things about the revolution, about what had happened. Talked to her about the propaganda shots, but never mentioned her role she had with those. Despite that Johanna should have understood that she was behind it, being the only director in 13 after all.

 

“Why did you come here?” Johanna finally opened her mouth, but only to question Cressida again.

 

Cressida lanced her look that she couldn’t fully understand. She wondered, if it was disbelieve regarding the question or did she dig in open wounds? To avoid the eye contact, Johanna started walking around the room, where actually wasn’t much to discover, just a blank wall and another with one more huge television screen.

 

“I fled the capitol.” Cressida’s voice was louder again and Johanna could finally hear without needing to strain her ears anymore. “They killed everyone I love and they would have killed me. I needed to go.”

 

Johanna turned around, her eyes wide open, because this story sounded pretty similar to her own. “You were a director for the games.” Her eyes went tiny and she scanned the other’s reaction.

 

Cressida shook her head. “I wasn’t, I couldn’t.” Johanna groaned, since for her Cressida still was a stereotypical Capitol citizen. She didn’t want to believe that someone from there could actually be a victim as well.

 

“I saw you, don’t lie!” She was screaming for a second time since she entered the room, while turning around with her arms crossed in front of her body. Anger built up in her. She wanted to know the truth and not be hearing lies. She had heard so many lies all her life, were more than just sick of them.

 

Cressida dropped her gaze, played nervously with her fingers. “I never wanted to-“

 

“You lied! You lied directly into my face! And stop telling me more lies. You’re just a capitol citizen as anyone else, but you probably were afraid of the rebels. Thought that they could actually win this, so you chose the best site for you carrier. Isn’t it like that?” Johanna stood in front of Cressida, who slowly grew angry herself.

 

“I never lied to you.” She said in a calm voice, pronouncing each letter of the few words. “My parents never were supporters of the system. You can’t imagine a life of someone, whose parents are fighting in the underground. I am here now, that is what matters. I am here and I will do whatever I can to help fulfilling, what my parents dreamt off and that was the end of this system, the end of the games, the end of all the oppression. They just wanted a free life for everyone.”

 

Johanna laughed loudly and it had a thick sarcastic undertone. “You don’t have an idea, what a hard life is. You were a director, you worked for the games. Go on, tell me more lies.”

 

Cressida sighed at the stubbornness of Johanna. “They made me. I was young. I was afraid.”

 

“You are weak.” Johanna eyed her, felt superior for a moment, because she would have never done, what the other woman had. She would have never given up just like that. Didn’t she just say that she wanted to step into her parents’ footsteps?

 

Cressida turned her body again and stared at the screen. It was still showing the same shots she was working on, when Johanna came in, in an infinite loop. “I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe I seem weak for you. Maybe I was, but I ran away. I came here to support your people, risked my life on the long walk and am still risking my life every day. For this.” Her voice went quiet again. “For you.”

 

“What did you just say?” She grabbed the arm rest and moved Cressida around so that she had to face her again. “Wasn’t that the same you told Katniss?”

 

“How? Oh of course, you asked her about me. And yes I did and what was I supposed to tell her? Tell her my dramatic story? You don’t even want to hear it yourself. I’m just someone from the Capitol. How could I have had a tragic life? So yes, I told her that as well, it was easier that way, but for you I also meant it. I mean, I had to flee, I had to…” Her voice broke and her lip was trembling and so she turned her face away again.

 

Johanna felt overstrained with the whole situation. She couldn’t handle a broken Cressida, she could barely handle herself and she couldn’t handle the words that just left the blonde’s mouth. What was she supposed to do? And so she did what came into her mind first – and ran away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title taken from:  
> 1st line: The Kooks - if only  
> 2nd line: Indica - Here and Now*


	4. I can’t let you go

_Want you in my life_

 

She had no idea where she was heading to and somehow she ended up in front of her room. It was late already, she noticed by the absence of people in the corridor. Quickly she opened the door and stepped into the slightly illuminated room.

 

Katniss was laying on her bed staring wholes into the air and Johanna didn’t make any attempt to gain her attention, but instead slipped into her bed very fast. Of course it was as close to impossible to find sleep now. Her head was full of thoughts. She was confused and didn’t even understand what made her confused. Was it the weird feeling that grew in her stomach, when she thought about the blonde woman and that grew intense when she was near her? Or was it caused by what Cressida had let slipped through in her weak moment?

 

“Where have you been that long?” Katniss voice cut the silence which had laid between them, as usually. The other girl barely talked to her and so it took her by surprise.

 

“Nowhere.” Johanna murmured not feeling like talking with anyone at all and Katniss was the last she wanted to discuss with about all this. So she mirrored the position of her roommate and started staring at the boring white ceiling as well.

 

“You’re late, you’ve never been before.” It sounded dull or just as monotone as Katniss often spoke. Johanna couldn’t really figure out, if the girl actually wanted to talk with her or not. So she considered playing along and giving her some answers.

 

“I’ve been at Cressida’s.” Johanna finally admitted, but Katniss didn’t let her off that easily. “You seemed enraged.”

 

“Did I?” Johanna turned her face towards her younger bunkmate only to see the same image she already received, when she had entered. Katniss hadn’t moved a little and was still staring into nowhere.

 

“Yes.” The brunette simply answered, for how much Johanna wished she could talk with someone, at least with her she thought after all, she knew that Katniss simply wasn’t the right person. She was suffering so much herself. However, did she even have someone else? Everyone she trusted was broken, too.

 

“You want to talk about it?” This question took her clearly by surprise, especially since it came from Katniss, who also had turned her head and was looking at her now. Her eyes still seemed to stare into nowhere, while Katniss pulled up her right arm to place it underneath her head. Her long hair was hanging a little over the edge of the bed and Johanna had to admit that she looked beautiful, so sad and broken, but yet young and delightful.

 

“I don’t know.” Johanna admitted and started to play nervously with her fingers. She always did that and she hated it, because it made her feel even weaker. No one besides her should know how sad she was and so she preferred to play out a poker face, what often didn’t work anymore.

 

Katniss sat up and slowly climbed over to Johanna’s bed and laid down next to her. “It helps. I know I’m not a big talker myself, but…maybe you’re better than I am with that.” Again she placed one arm under her head while the other just lay on top of her playing with her nightgown. Katniss wasn’t used to situations like this, wasn’t used to offer someone help rather than always been offered it.

 

Johanna couldn’t fight off a small smile that build on her face and she nervously dropped her gaze. Once more she mirrored Katniss’ position but her right hand played nervously with the bedsheets. Her voice was shaking when she finally started to fill the empty atmosphere with her words.

 

“Do you…do you think…that Cressida could have a thing for…women?” She asked agitated and couldn’t even look into Katniss’ eyes.

 

The younger girl seemed very confused. “What? Why?” Little crinkles appeared on her forehead while she kept staring at Johanna. The light was dim and she couldn’t really make out her mimics since her face was also placed away from the glow that illuminated the room just as much that one could make out the surfaces.

 

Johanna groaned a little, of course Katniss wouldn’t know, she wouldn’t pay attention, she probably wouldn’t even care. The young girl was focused on Peeta and all her worries and now when he was back at one place with her, despite being farer away from her than he ever had been before and the weight on her shoulders just grew larger.

 

“I…I” Katniss spoke again a little fussy now as well. “I never…I mean, can she love anyone? She always seems so focused on work, on this. But…I’m probably not the right person for this question.”

 

“You’ve spent much time with her…I just thought, I’m sorry.” Johanna stuttered. She knew she shouldn’t have asked her this. After all it was risky, because outside the Capitol same sex couples were more of an underground phenomena. Heck, Johanna also had learnt it the hard way that whatever she could do, it wouldn’t safe anyone anyway and what was there to lose after all, now, when Katniss knew? Did Katniss even knew? She probably didn’t lose any thought on this.

 

“Don’t.” Katniss whispered. “I just never saw her as a person who could love someone. But why, Johanna why? And why were you so, unsettled? Did something happen, between you two?” Johanna felt relieved for the fact that Katniss wasn’t even bothered by the fact of mentioning this kind of love, but rather went back to dig for the roots of her trouble.

 

“I don’t trust her.” Johanna just said and received a questioning gaze from Katniss. “I can’t follow you.” Cleary she couldn’t. Only someone as Johanna could probably switch from talking about love to mistrust that fast, Katniss thought to herself.

 

Johanna grimaced. “That’s exactly my problem. I don’t understand her. How can you even work with her?”

 

Katniss just shrugged. “She’s kind of a professional. I never talked much with her. We all just do our job, I guess.” Johanna sighed, because it wasn’t the answer she expected, but after all she also didn’t really knew what she did wait for. Katniss wasn’t doing those propos fully voluntarily, Johanna was aware of that. So she did what was asked of her and not more. Cressida on the other hand truly was a professional, Johanna knew that much, so Katniss wasn’t probably her most favourite actor, she guessed.

 

“But do you trust her?” Johanna wanted to know. She was sure that if it had been her, she would be taking an eye on Cressida every single second she would have been outside in the districts with her. Would someone with a good job simply leave the Capitol and go on a dangerous run like that, risking their lives? For what? It seemed that with every answered question, there came a million new ones.

 

Katniss shrugged again. “At least she didn’t try to kill me so far. Her team is pretty nice tough. She’s…distant I would say. But who isn’t in these days?” Katniss had never thought about mistrusting Cressida. She was nice and seemed honest and after all especially Katniss knew and understood what it meant to flee out of the Capitol. She was sure that no one would take that risk just like that. Furthermore, she was pretty sure that she would have been long dead if that had been the plan. Cressida always carried a pistol and especially during the bombing at 8 it could have been easily blamed on the Capitol bombers.

 

They both sank into silence once more, both drifting deep into their own thoughts, until Katniss surprisingly broke it again. “Do you like her?”

 

Johanna’s eyes grew big, because she clearly understood what Katniss meant. “I don’t know.” The problem was that Johanna really didn’t knew. There was that longing that she felt for the blond woman, but there also was much doubt about the other woman’s sincerity.

 

“Does she like you?” The next question followed on the spot.

 

Johanna blushed a little what made Katniss grin. “She…she said that, maybe. But we kind of had a fight…I just can’t stop finding her rather suspicious.”

 

Katniss nodded, but didn’t seem to have something to add anymore. Even when it was basically nothing and the whole situation was still so fucked up, she felt better. Katniss had been right, after all and somehow she was really glad to have her. Maybe she shouldn’t watch Cressida as the Capitol citizen she only saw in her, but rather as the woman, as the individual she was. Still caught in her thoughts Johanna drifted into fitfully sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title taken from: Cascada - Everytime We Touch*


	5. Don’t you ask me if it’s love my dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took a little longer this time, but the new semester started and uni keeps me pretty busy at the moment.

_Love don’t really mean a thing round here_

 

The days passed and neither Katniss nor Johanna mentioned the talk they had that one night. Johanna also tried her best to ignore Cressida what wasn’t difficult after all, since the other woman drowned herself into work and was barely seen around anywhere.

 

Soon she also lost track of the time. Every day seemed to be the same and often she ignored her assignments the same way Katniss usually did, but nobody ever blamed her, nobody ever cared actually. There was a war going on and the focus strictly lay on it. It was a relief for Johanna that nobody cared about her, because all she wanted was to be by herself.

 

Many days she simply spent laying on her bed dozing off into more nightmares which always followed her into the night and if it wasn’t her who startled awake in the middle of the given sleeping time, it was Katniss. However, there was one thing that had changed since the talk. Now they had learnt to calm down the other, had understood that the presence of another person was peaceful and a nice way to push away bad thoughts. Normally they didn’t talk much, but at least not having to be alone in the dark was all Johanna wanted and needed.

 

For most of the people in 13 the wedding of Finnick and Annie was a nice distraction of the deprivations of the everyday life deep under the earth. Johanna tried to enjoy herself, but somehow she couldn’t. She was glad that Finnick and Annie were reunited, but it just always made her remember how she lost everyone she once loved. They all died, because she cared about those people, loved them even.

 

The thoughts made her feel nauseous and so she sat down somewhere in the background and hid her face in her hands while supporting her arms on her knees. Her breath rattled hard and her heart was beating fast. For a moment she wished she was just being hold by someone, but nobody seemed to care. She was alone, terribly alone Johanna realised.

 

After some time she noticed that someone sat down next to her, but she didn’t bother to take a look at who it was until she felt a hand on her shoulder. She slightly turned her face only to spot Cressida. A groan left her mouth and she leant back on her chair. Deep inside she had hoped it to be Katniss or Finnick, someone she trusted, someone who could understand her.

 

“Look.” Cressida started and her voice sounded insecure and Johanna wondered what did happen to her after all. Was she the reason that made the normally very confident woman stammer? “About our last talk…I’m sorry when I scared you off, but I just wanted to be honest with you.”

 

Johanna sighed and turned her gaze back to the crowd. Nobody cared about them since everyone was caught in the atmosphere of something cheerful, what rarely to never occurred down here. They sat there like in total privacy in a room full of people, who were gone blind by the illusion, Johanna thought bitterly.

 

The silence stood awkwardly between the two of them until Johanna finally decided to fill it with her own words. “I just couldn’t deal with you…I might just have such a bizarre image of Capitol people. I should be sorry, too. But am I really to blame for that?” She peered into the room as if she was following the dance, that had just started, but actually she was staring into nowhere.

 

Cressida’s grip on her shoulder grew stronger, so that she turned her face towards the blonde again. She was closer than before, her lips where directly in front of hers and she couldn’t take her eyes of them and then she felt them softly pressed against her own.

 

Johanna was overstrained with the situation on the spot. What was Cressida doing? She shouldn’t be doing that. She’ll die. No, no, panic started to boil in Johanna and then she simply pushed the other woman strongly away and ran out of the room.

 

Cressida wasn’t enjoying herself at the wedding. Love was a weird construct for her, something she was sure she would never experience. Heck, if she would be honest with herself, she would have to accept the fact that this was only another lie she kept telling herself.

 

She hated being here attending the weeding of people she barely knew and actually wanted to go back to her room and get some sleep, which she would really need after a lot of sleepless nights. Enormous fatigue made it hard for her to keep her eyes open, but cruel memories and too many thoughts always kept her awake in the end.

 

Then she spotted her sitting at the other end of the room looking as if she needed someone. Cressida knew that she probably wasn’t the one Johanna wanted to have around, not after what had happened between them. Why did she had to give herself so easily? Why didn’t she just fight for a simple friendship? A friendship was probably already more than she could have asked for and yet, she stood in front of another broken attempt to bond with people.

 

Caught in her thoughts she had absently made her way over to the other young woman and had sat down beside her. Her hand calmly touched her shoulder trying to give her some comfort, but as soon as Johanna realised that it was her, she understood that this was something she couldn’t give her. The nervousness came back and all the self-confidence was gone on that very moment as well. Cressida hated that Johanna made her weak, she had to overcome this, but how?

 

Before she actually understood what she was doing, her face was incredibly close to Johanna’s. She could feel her warm breath on her cheeks. It made her shudder, made her feel things she couldn’t even describe and then she softly pressed her lips onto the other woman’s mouth.

 

For a moment she fully enjoyed the moment, enjoyed the butterflies fulfilling their wild dance in her belly, felt the goose bumps on her skin until all this was put to an abrupt end. Johanna pushed her away, so that she ended pressed against the back of the chair she was sitting on and could only watch the other woman storm out of the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: One Night Only - Say you don't want it*


	6. I should’ve worshipped her sooner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this part is a little short.

_In the madness and soil of that earthly scene_

 

Cressida was quick to follow the other woman out into the hall and caught up pretty fast, because she was in good shape considering all the running they had to do while filming the propos out in the districts. She got hold of Johanna’s wrist and turned her around in an instant. The other woman stared at her in blank panic.

 

“You can’t just always run away.” Cressida’s voice was soft and she loosened her grip to comfort the frightened woman. She tried to smile at her and drew herself closer.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that. You’ll die.” Johanna seemed to be elsewhere, but definitely not here with her in district 13. Taking a step back deeper into the corridor and holding her hands up in front of her to keep Cressida on distance, Johanna just shook her head. As much as she adored the blonde woman, she couldn’t let her in. She was so afraid and she simply couldn’t handle letting anyone into her heart again.

 

Cressida totally ignored Johanna’s movements and carefully she grabbed her hand and made her follow, till they reached the bunk Johanna was sharing with Katniss, since it was the first they came by. With a rustling noise she opened the door and both walked inside.

 

“Nothing will happen to me.” Cressida spoke calmly and slightly took the other woman into a deep embrace. “I promise that nothing will happen to either of us.”

 

Johanna sighed and freed herself. Her arms hang loose around her body, but she felt calmer and safer again, despite finding Cressida naïve, very naïve. “Don’t promise things you can’t guarantee.”

 

Cressida grabbed Johanna’s arm again and pulled her closer. Their gazes met and she found herself geeting lost in her eyes. Once more she drew closer and caught Johanna’s soft lips with her own. This time the other woman didn’t fought her off, but also remained passive for a long time.

 

When Johanna finally answered the kiss and even placed her hands on Cressida’ back, she pushed her against the wall and nibbled on her bottom lip until Johanna’s mouth opened to let her tongue slip inside.

 

Cressida felt as if she was dreaming. Was she really kissing Johanna? And did she actually kiss her back? This must be a really vivid dream, she thought, but even if that was the case, she couldn’t see any reason of why not going with it.

 

Her whole body was squeezed so close against the other woman and she could feel the desire building up between her legs. Johanna’s breasts were pressed against hers and she could feel her chest raising and falling fast underneath her.

 

Courageous her hands pulled at the collar of Johanna’s overall that just looked the same as hers and as anybody else’s down here, but only Johanna looked incredibly sexy in it for Cressida’s taste. She toyed with the first buttons and popped them open revealing the grey tank-top underneath until Johanna stopped her.

 

“Don’t.” She whispered and the insecurity that laid in her voice gained the blonde’s attention on the spot. She noticed that not only her voice gave away her angst, but also that her body was trembling.

 

Immediately Cressida stepped back, afraid that she did something horribly wrong. “I’m sorry. I don’t, I mean I didn’t want to hurt you…sorry.”

 

“I’m just afraid.” Johanna murmured. “He took everyone I loved so far. I can’t take that anymore…I can’t.”

 

Cressida bit her lips and didn’t really know what to do. She never fought for another human being, love never felt that important to her before, since it was just something to feed her desires. However, this was different. Her heart felt shattered seeing Johanna like this and all she wanted to do was to make this woman smile again. She wanted to make her happy, even if she had no idea how to do that. Even in normal times, she wouldn’t have known.

 

So they stood in front of each other and neither of them had an idea what to do. Cressida knew that many people found comfort in deep hugs and so she decided to give it a try. Johanna sighed into her embrace and she placed gentle kisses on her still bald head and her hands caressed her back.

 

“I love you.” The words left Cressida’s mouth before she could stop herself, so she realised it only when it was too late. To her surprise Johanna just pressed a kiss onto her neck and cuddled herself deeper into her arms.

 

“Don’t leave me.” Johanna breathed into her neck and Cressida still could clearly make out the panic.

 

“I promise. No one will ever hurt you again.” She whispered back and placed a tender finger under Johanna’s chin to catch her mouth into another kiss. At this point Cressida couldn’t know yet how very precarious her promise actually was. All she could do was to kiss Johanna and take her into another dimension, where both of them could feel free and happy and where only their love existed.

 

In this moment the world around them seemed to have stopped revolving and they were thrown back into reality by the cracking noise the door always did when someone slides open the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Hozier - Take me to church*


	7. Guess I’m walking in a circle

_I’ve crossed a line I drew so long ago_

 

Cressida immediately jumped backwards building up some distance between her and Johanna, but her reaction wasn’t fast enough. Katniss stood eyes wide open next to the door and looked like she had no idea what to say.

 

Johanna just hid her face in her hands, while Cressida was arguing with herself, what she was supposed to do. So the three girls simply stood in silence in the barely enlightened room and no one said a word.

 

“I…I’ll just…wait in front of the door.” Katniss stammered, while she turned around and left the girls alone.

 

Cressida placed her hands on Johanna’s arms and carefully drew them away from her face placing her finger under her chin afterwards to build up eye-contact.

 

“She knows.” Johanna finally murmured and just let her body crash against Cressida’s again holding her close. Cressida bit her lips and placed her hands gently on Johanna’s back. “Of course, she saw us…now. I’m sorry.”

 

Johanna shook her head slightly against her body. “No, I talked with her…before…about it.”

 

Those words confused her, but she didn’t want to question it further. She just wanted to hold her and never let go again. Only after some time she remembered that Katniss must still be standing in front of the door waiting.

 

“I’ll talk with her.” Cressida slowly moved away from Johanna and left without any further words or touches. She left behind a confused Johanna, who just sat down on her bed sinking into deep thoughts.

 

Cressida found Katniss leaning against the wall next to the door. She threw her a very critical gaze. “I dare you to ever hurt her.” Her voice was strong and the words were fired at her. Then the younger girl kept staring at the blonde, who was totally caught by surprise. She didn’t know what kind of reaction she had expected from Katniss, but definitely not such an aggressive one.

 

She had seen Katniss go fury, but never had she expected that such a fire burnt deep in her. Never would she have guessed that Katniss would be protective of anyone besides Peeta and her family.

 

Before Cressida could answer anything Katniss pushed herself of the wall and slipped into her bunk leaving the blonde woman behind. Cressida groaned, but then headed back to her own room to try to get some sleep.

 

Of course sleep was the last thing, she could think of now. Thoughts of Johanna and her sweet lips crossed her mind. Thoughts about how perfectly their bodies suited together and how good it felt to press herself against her, to touch her and how much she wanted to expose that body further.

 

She had no idea where her bunkmate was, probably still at the wedding and so she was alone with her thoughts and her desire. As her hand drove downwards on her own body, she bit her lips. Quickly her breath grew faster and she closed her eyes imagining the perfect form of Johanna. Soft moans escaped her mouth as her own fingers drew her closer to her own climax, until she finally breathed her lover’s name into the air.

 

Johanna was a little startled when the door was opened again, but Katniss slipped wordlessly into her bed and covered her body quickly with her blanket, while turning her back towards Johanna, what confused her after they had become some kind of pretty close friends lately. At least Johanna had thought so. After all she didn’t really had an idea about friendship and all this and she doubted that Katniss did.

 

“Katniss.” Her voice was low and the other girl didn’t react. So she tried again. “Katniss.”

 

Since she didn’t receive a reaction she somehow felt pushed away. Did Katniss hate her for being different? Was she disgusted? Johanna had no idea. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

 

“You don’t have to.” Finally the brunette answered, but her voice was low and she didn’t sound like she wanted to talk. So Johanna finally gave up. She didn’t want to push the other girl into something she didn’t want and she knew that it was also useless. Katniss wouldn’t talk, if she had already decided against it.

 

So Johanna hid under her own blanket and stared at the ceiling. She felt alone and craved Cressida’s warm body, missed her soft voice. It had been long ago, since she last felt that secure, while being held by someone and all she wanted, was to go back to that very moment.

 

There was no way that she would fall asleep anytime soon and so Johanna jumped out of her bed again and quickly redressed her grey overall, before she tried to open the bunk door as slowly and quietly as possible.

 

Every noise the door made sounded a million times louder in this total silence of the night and she noticed that Katniss stirred in her sleep, so that she stopped for a moment, before fully opening the door to slip outside.

 

“Where are you going?” The younger girl’s voice made her wince. This didn’t went according to her plan to slip out without being noticed.

 

“I can’t sleep. Sorry I didn’t want to wake you up.” Johanna turned around seeing Katniss sitting nearly upright in her bed. Her hair was messy and hung half over her face.

 

Katniss was still a little sleep drunk and couldn’t really understand Johanna’s movements. “So where are you going now? It’s forbidden to run around there during sleeping time.”

 

“I’ll be careful. Try to sleep.” Johanna tried to smile, even when she knew that Katniss probably wouldn’t even see it, since it was too dark in their little private space.

 

To her horror the brunette jumped down and grabbed her arm. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone.” Her eyes looked tired at her, but also frightened and so with a sigh Johanna closed the door again and ended up in one bed with Katniss once more.

 

She watched the younger girl until she was sure that she was asleep again, before she made her way back to her own. They had often shared one bed during the nights, because nightmares startled them awake on a regular basis. However, it made Johanna uncomfortable. She was in love and she just couldn’t be that close with Katniss anymore, without feeling as if it would be a betrayal.

 

Her thoughts kept her awake more than half of the night and as longer as she thought about it, about what Cressida and her were becoming, the doubtfuller she actually became.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Ewert and the two dragons – Circles*


	8. When darkness steals the light from day and all my colours fade away

_It overshadows my whole life this broken melody_

 

Katniss was startled when she ran into the two girls kissing in her room, in her place, where she could feel at peace with Johanna. At least somehow it gave her the feeling of it and especially tonight she was craving the silence more than ever. She had made a decision and it was also Johanna, who had led her to it.

 

All she wanted was to sleep a little, until it would be time to snug herself into the plane, which would take her to district two.

 

So she stood in front of the door and with every second that passed by she somehow grew angrier. That blonde woman should go away. What does Cressida want from Johanna, when Katniss obviously had to talk with her?

 

When Cressida finally appeared, Katniss was just furious that it took her so long and she had long forgotten everything, she actually had wanted to talk about. Also facing her again made her feel insecure, after all she caught her bunkmate with her lover in a very intimate situation.

 

As awkward as she felt and after all her dislike she openly displayed towards Cressida, she couldn’t think of anything else as hiding herself in her bed. The plan was settled and she trusted Johanna so far that she had arranged everything for her escape. She had to kill Snow that was all she had in her mind and so she was confused when Johanna tried to sneak out later.

 

She couldn’t leave her alone, not here in the dark bunk, when everything felt so tense to her. All she needed was someone to be in the near during her last night here. Only close to Johanna’s warm body she finally fell asleep.

 

Johanna couldn’t stop thinking the whole night and so, when the right time was there, she carefully woke Katniss up again. Quickly she helped her getting dressed and then gave her a last deep hug.

 

“Be careful little Mockingjay.” She whispered when Katniss stood at the door. In the last minute Johanna felt like she had to stop her. The two of them should just go back to bed and forget this plan. After all, how was Katniss going to kill Snow? How should she reach the capitol without being noticed? What had Johanna her young bunkmate gotten into?

 

“When we meet again.” Katniss dropped her gaze and took Johanna back to reality, cut her thoughts. Katniss was afraid. Of course she was, after all she was just a little girl, but she was also convinced that she was doing the right thing. “If we meet again, then everything will be different.”

 

Johanna bit her lip. “We have to meet again, Katniss.” The thought of sending Katniss into a kamikaze mission didn’t leave her head. She had to stop her now. That was all so stupid and nothing but a hasty action. Her bunkmate was still so young and what could she do after all?

 

Despite all her doubts, Johanna stayed quiet and so Katniss slowly turned around and left. Johanna sighed deeply before she went back to her bed, where she finally fell asleep exhausted, only to be startled awake soon after. The official sleeping time was over and so the rooms were fully enlightened. There was no thought of sleep anymore.

 

Johanna felt as if she had fought terrible fights during the night and in that very moment she was craving Cressida’s strong arms holding her. Craving her sweet lips kissing her and making her forget everything. Deep in her heart she felt awful, as if something more disastrously was going to happen. Only Cressida could give her comfort now and Johanna realised how much she even loved her. She needed her and so she quickly headed to the refectory.

 

Heck, when Johanna arrived in the breakfast room, she saw a lot of blond women, but none of them had a half shaved head, none of them had this outstanding tattoo on her side. None of them felt familiar and made her heart beating faster. Panic started to grow in her. Where was she? Cressida was never late, was always one of the first. Something terrible must have happened and a squeezing grip of fear hit her.

 

Johanna turned around rapidly and bumped into a lot of people on their way to grab breakfast, while she had just one goal in mind – Cressida’s bunk. Totally out of breath she reached the huge grey door and hammered against it, as if she was going insane.

 

To her horror, no one opened her. “Cressida!” She screamed and hammered again against the door. “It’s me Johanna. Please open the door! Cress, I beg you open the door!” Tears started flowing over her face and they burned like fire on her skin. Her body was shaking in her panic.

 

“She’s gone.” Johanna had no idea how long she had screamed for Cressida to open the door, when a foreign woman’s voice frightened her.

 

She turned her face to the side and spotted the blonde’s roommate. “She’s gone.” The woman repeated rolling her eyes while opening the door to her room.

 

“Where? Where is she?” Johanna screamed at her, but the young woman with the long brown hair didn’t show any interest in the crazy woman in front of her bunk’s entrance.

 

“District 2.” The answer came ice cold and half-hearted, while the door was slowly closing in front of her, but Johanna made a quick move and she was inside, what earned her an annoyed groan by the other woman who stood next to the small table in the middle of the small room.

 

Cressida’s bed was indeed empty, but it looked like someone had slept in it. The cushions gave it away easily that someone lived through some unsettled hours of rest and the blanket was carelessly thrown to the side as if the owner had left in a hurry. “Why?” Johanna cried and sunk down on her lover’s bed grabbing the pillow that still smelled like her and pressed it close against her body.

 

“Shouldn’t you know it yourself? Isn’t your Mockingjay there as well?” The brunette answered and she made it pretty clear, that she wanted Johanna out of her bunk. She stood still next to the table, had her arms crossed in front of her body and looked out of the small window through which one could see an endless amount of windows which belonged to other bunks.

 

“But why?” Johanna was sobbing loudly. Why? She had been right after all. Cressida had kissed her, they loved each other and now she was going to die. What kind of curse had Snow laid upon her?

 

It felt like someone pulled the rug from under her feet and Johanna fell into a deep dark whole, while in reality she simply fainted on Cressida’s cold and empty bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title: Vanilla Ninja - Black Symphony*


	9. Feeling my way through the darkness guided by a beating heart

_I can’t tell where the journey will end_

 

Someone was hammering against the door and a strong voice ordered for Cressida to show up on the spot. Still drunk of sleep and her recent nightmare she stood up and shuffled over to the door. Her roommate followed her actions with equally tired eyes, since she also woke up caused by the noise.

 

“Yes?” Cressida’s voice was weak and her eyes tiny. As well she was shivering in the cold air, wearing no more than her thin nightgown.

 

In front of her bunk stood a soldier, who made a very serious face and she was totally confused. First she thought that another air raid was to come and they were going to get evacuated, but then she remembered that he had only called for her. “Miss, you better had been ready to go 5 minutes ago. So get dressed and head over to the hangar as fast as you can.”

 

Cressida was frowning at him. “Why? What’s going on?” She crossed her arms in front of her body and rubbed her arms with her hands to protect herself a little from the cold, but inside of her, her heart was hammering wildly.

 

“You’ll receive your order in the plane!” With that he ran away and left behind a perplexed Cressida.

 

Quickly the young woman managed to switch into her professional modus and dressed her uniform. She had not much actually that meant something to her and what was worth to be taken with her. There was a picture of her parents, which was already very wrinkled-up, but it was all she head left of them, so she stuffed it into her pocket. Another important thing was her necklace, which had belonged to her grandma and she was wearing it during day and night.

 

_She had been only a little girl of maybe 8 years, when her grandma passed away. The tiny blonde girl sat on her bed in that abhorred hospital room, understanding already too well for her age, what death was supposed to mean, when the pale old women took of her necklace and placed it around the girl’s neck._

_“This shall always protect you and no harm should come to you.” Her grandmother had whispered and then she had held her small hands in hers, but that grip had grown weaker and weaker with every second._

_Little Cressida didn’t understand anything, but that she was alone from that moment on, so she cried, because she felt like she had to do so, until a strange man grabbed her. She screamed for her granny to help her, but the old woman was dead and she was pushed away._

She held the pendant that was shaped as a mocking bird in her hands and pressed her lips against it. Back when she got it, she knew that the bird was a reminder of her ancestors’ home, who came from district 11 once being rewarded to life in the Capitol. She would have never guessed, that this would one day be the symbol of the revolution.

 

Her roommate watched her and bit her lip doing so. Cressida was a cold and distant woman, but still she was her bunkmate, someone she grew attached too.

 

“Rachel!” Cressida said in a strong voice to pretend that she was ready to go and not afraid, but her shaking body gave away clearly, what she really felt. She was afraid. “Don’t you cry and go back to bed. I shall be back soon.”

 

The brunette shook her head slightly. “You won’t, you’re send to war.”

 

Cressida’s eyes grew big. “How comes you know more than I do?”

 

Rachel grabbed her hand. “Take care of yourself and don’t follow that foolish kiddo. I heard it last night at the party that Katniss was doing plans with Johanna.”

 

“With Johanna?” Cressida breathed sharply, since her lover hadn’t mentioned anything about a plan to her.

 

Rachel didn’t understand the blonde’s reaction, but still went on with her explanation. “That kid thinks, she can kill Snow on her own and headed to district two tonight and Coin knows, of course she does. She’ll send you after her. You remember what you once told me? Katniss thinks, that if she dies, then Coin should make clear she’s got it on tape.”

 

“So we film her in the first row, get that done and head back.” Cressida shrugged, she simply couldn’t believe that Coin would sacrifice her little Mockingjay like this.

 

There was another rough knock at the door. “Cressida!” A voice strictly called for her.

 

Rachel flung herself around her and pressed her close. “Don’t get yourself killed.”

 

A strange laughter escaped the blonde’s lung. “I won’t.” Then she turned around and quickly followed the soldier out into the corridor.

 

“I’ve to say goodbye to someone else quickly.” She insisted, but he shook his head. “There’s no time for that.”

 

Cressida swallowed hard, what if she would really die? She had to talk to Johanna. She couldn’t leave her like this. “I’ve to!” She protested, but the soldier grabbed her arm roughly and pushed her into the elevator, what made her lance him a furious look. How does he dare to treat her like that?

 

When the two reached the plane her whole team was already there ready to take off and they welcomed her with serious faces. “You know what’s going on?” Messalla walked next to the young director.

 

“Katniss went to two on her own tonight, so Coin wants everything on tape of course.” Cressida gave the hard facts away, but her two camera guys starred just as confused as she had earlier. “I guess, we’ll get further information soon.”

 

“Enter the plane now!” The soldier cut the little chat and again pushed Cressida forward, but immediately Messalla grabbed him at his arm. “Touch her like this one more time and it was the last thing you did.”

 

In the plane Cressida finally understood the seriousness of the situation, when another young soldier handed her a machinegun. “You know how to use it?” He asked and Cressida only nodded wordlessly. She and her team had had some training, but never had she expected to actually have to use one.

 

“Wait!” She screamed after the young boy, who turned around on the spot with a huge smile on his face. “Yes?”

 

“Could you do me a favour?” When he nodded, she grabbed into one of her pockets and took out the family picture. “Give this to Johanna Mason and tell her…tell her that I’ll come back.”

 

The boy took the photo and nodded, then he saluted to her and went away. Cressida bit her lip while she sat down. She tried to fight of the urge to cry, but the tears either way appeared in her eyes and slowly flow over her face. In that very moment she hated Katniss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title: Avicii – Wake me up*


	10. And nothing else matters now, you're not here

_If I lose myself, I lose it all_

 

Johanna shrugged a little, before she slowly opened her eyes. Everything around her was white, just plain white and it smelled like a hospital. What had happened? Why was she here? Where was Cressida? Where was the only human being, she truly cared about, she probably truly loved?

 

“She’s awake.” A calm female voice said next to her. She knew that voice, it felt familiar, but still she couldn’t figure out why. Her body felt like a huge stone, as if every little movement would cost much more energy than she could actually bring up. What have they done to me, she asked herself.

 

“Johanna?” There was that voice again and she just moved her eyes and saw a blond girl standing next to her. Prim. “Johanna, how do you feel?”

 

All she could answer, was leaving out a sarcastic laugh. “Perfect.” She then said. “I’m totally drugged up, have no memory of what had happened and also I don’t know where she…” Her voice grew quieter. For god’s sake she shouldn’t mention Cressida’s name.

 

Luckily Prim didn’t dig any further, but sat down on her bedside. “A medical team picked you up after you collapsed on Cressida’s bed.” Johanna closed her eyes and all she could think was ‘Fuck!’ in that moment.

 

“There’s also someone, who wants to meet you…or just give something to you.” Johanna opened her eyes again, while a glimmer of hope seemed to have risen on the horizon. Maybe they were already back, maybe everything was just a bad dream.

 

But the footsteps that followed, definitely weren’t the soft ones of the blonde. They had to belong to a man and panic rose in her again. Was she dead? “Is she dead?” In the next second she screamed out her fear, not realising that her thoughts had just left her mouth.

 

Prim carefully took her hand in hers. “She’s alive at this very moment. I’ve no idea in what kind of…relationship you two were, but here, that’s something she asked Commander Jacks to give you.”

 

A very odd looking picture was placed into her tender fingers. Johanna said nothing, just started at it. A little family could be seen. Proud parents, who were kneeling next to a little blonde girl and out of a million children, Johanna would have found that one. Little Cressida smiled back at her, while her parents had placed an arm around the small form of hers. However, it wasn’t one of her genuine smiles and also her parents looked rather tense. At least Johanna thought that those people would be her parents. She knew nothing about her past, had never asked and will she be ever granted the chance to meet her again and let her tell everything, that seemed to kill her from the inside?

 

“Where is she?” Johanna moved a finger over the little child, as if she could find any connection to Cressida through this.

 

Prim just sighed and argued with herself, if she should tell Johanna the truth, if Johanna could even deal with the truth.

 

Someone clearing his throat, made the two remember that the young soldier still stood with them in the same room. “Miss Mason, the propo team is following the soldiers into the war zone.”

 

“What?” Johanna screamed again. “No! Tell me that’s not the truth! Tell me it’s a lie! Please! That can’t be real. No Coin would never do that!”

 

Prim lanced him a criticising stare for simply speaking up like that. “She deserves to know the truth.” He argued and then faced Johanna again. “Miss Mason, you shouldn’t fear much. They’re still the propo team, so they’re in the back.”

 

“It’s all my fault…it’s all my fault.” Johanna wasn’t listening anymore and Prim quickly called for some assistance and seconds later the world around the young women went dark again and she fell into deep dreamless sleep.

 

When she woke up once more, she saw that someone had organised a frame for the picture. With shaking hands she took it from the tiny table and just couldn’t stop moving her finger over the little girl. “I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. Forgive me, please forgive me.”

 

Then she scanned the faces of Cressida’s parents. “Forgive me for sending your daughter into a death mission. Please forgive me.” She whispered. Cressida had once told her, that everyone she loved was dead, so was she holding a picture of dead people?

 

She needed to know, where her lover was and for that she had to get out of the hospital and Johanna knew that she had to do it in this very moment. She couldn’t live with that uncertainty anymore. Didn’t want to wait for people who decided, if she was stable enough to face reality or not. She had to find out everything herself.

 

Carefully she took out the needle, which was injected into her hand before she slowly sat up. The world was turning around her and she had to take a few deep breaths, before she placed her feet onto the cold floor.

 

The door opened and Prim appeared. “Where are you going? You’re weak Johanna. Just tell me what you need.”

 

Under normal circumstances she would have given Prim a lecture that she wasn’t weak, but in her current condition the girl was somehow right. “You can’t give me what I need. Just get me some clothes and shoes. I want to go to my room.”

 

Prim seemed to realise that it would have been nonsense to argue and so she simply turned around and speeded away to bring Johanna the requested things. She helped her dress and then guided her into her bunk.

 

Staying there actually had never been her plan, but she knew that Prim would have tried everything to stop her and so she simply waited a few minutes, until she was sure that the young girl had put enough distance in between the two of them, so that she could sneak out and find some video footage. There had to be some. She was sure that Coin was watching over every little step her little Mockingjay was doing.

 

After all it wasn’t that difficult to find the command centre. Beetee was the first, who saw Johanna sneaking around, so he made his way over to her. “Johanna you shouldn’t be here.”

 

“I need to know, if she’s alive.” She tried to pass him, but whatever she tried, he was faster. “Katniss is alive, don’t worry. She’s accompanied by some of our best soldiers. As long as she follows the commands…”

 

“I don’t care if Katniss is alive.” Johanna knew better than that, but at this very moment, she really didn’t care. She was her bunkmate, her friend, but she wasn’t the one she kissed, wasn’t the one, whom she loved.

 

Beetee starred at her, his mouth still open, since she had stopped him in the middle of his sentence. Suddenly tumult broke out in the dark room that was only enlightened by all the screens. In that moment Johanna used the distraction to pass him and hurry over to one of the monitors.

 

Just in that moment she realised that Beetee had been right. She shouldn’t be here and she definitely shouldn’t watch, what she just did. Cressida was dead. Everyone was dead and it was all her fault. She killed them. She had sent the only friends she had into death, had killed the person she loved.

 

She covered her mouth with her hands as tears started to flow over her face. The Capitol Channel started to show pictures of the fallen soldiers and when Cressida’s face appeared, Johanna sank onto her knees. She didn’t make any noise. Her whole body felt numb. She couldn’t scream for as much as she wanted to do so. Her heart was shattered and she felt like her own life finally lost all its meaning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Naughty Boy - Runnin' (Lose it all)*


	11. Oh I want to get away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took some time, but this part really wasn't easy to put into words and somehow I'm still not very satiesfied with it.
> 
> Also I kind of mix the book and the film version, as you may see in this part now and maybe sometimes I put a third possibility into it, but still I try to keep as close to the story as possible.

_I want to fly away_

 

Cressida had been kind of careless in the beginning of their mission. They were still going on to do their propos and will hide in the back, in safe distance to the actual front line. Also she had trusted on the soldiers to move them safely through the city.

 

All the blonde had in mind was to go back home as soon as possible. Home – she realised that it was actually the first time, she ever called district 13 home, and it was actually the first time ever she called a place home since her grandmother had died. A place she longed for and where she knew that someone was waiting for her.

 

However, the whole scenery quickly changed, faster than she could actually understand it herself. People died around her, Peeta killed someone during one of his attacks, and peacekeepers shot at them. She felt as if everything must be surreal. It seemed like a nightmare, she was sure to wake up off very soon.

 

Of course she didn’t, instead she found herself seated on a sofa inside a pretty comfy capitol’s flat. They had killed the poor civilian that was still inside, but that was war, Cressida kept telling herself. That didn’t made the feel of guilt any easier, but somehow she pretended it did and she thought that the others must do the same.

 

Her team was next to her, they were all here, and the Mockingjay was still here. The day had taught Cressida a lot especially that her feeling of being safe had been stupid and very naïve. But it had also taught her, that she actually cared about Katniss. She had stepped in between her and Jackson, when a simple nervous finger could have gotten her killed. Till this very moment, she didn’t know why she had stepped up for an obvious lie and she also didn’t understand why everyone else pretended to believe it. She didn’t understand their whole mission, but it was too late to ask anyway.

 

So they sat on that couch watching the program of the Capitol’s channel and it was actually so awkward to see her own face among the death, to see her own face as if she had died as a tribute in the arena, she a young woman from the capitol. Life really had become surreal.

 

The squad members remained pretty quiet when they all started to somehow prepare for the night. Cressida took the first watch, she couldn’t sleep anyway yet. Her head wouldn’t shut up and kept her awake with too many thoughts.

 

She leaned against the window and stared into nowhere. How much she wished to talk to Johanna, to simply give her a sign that she’s still alive. Will it break Johanna? Does she even know? Do they let her watch that? Cressida’s mind was filled up with questions no one around her could answer.

 

“Hey.” It was Gale who sat down next to her. Cressida turned her face away from him to look over to the others. They all were asleep, at least it seemed so, since she was sure that Katniss was most probably awake. So why did he come over to her?

 

She faced him again. “Can’t sleep?” Most of them often had trouble finding sleep during the night. The horrors kept them awake and if not, they followed them into their dreams as to make sleep as useless as to simply staying awake all night.

 

Small wrinkles appeared on his forehead as he frowned at her words. “Your watch is over, you should go to get some sleep.” He kneeled down in front of her and for a moment she feared him asking questions. However, then he leaned back and sat down opposite of her.

 

She only sighed and stared out of the window again, but then slowly got up, grabbed her gun and shuffled over to the now empty spot on the couch, where she crashed down, but sleep didn’t want to come for a long time. Again and again images of the day appeared in front of her eyes and always there were thoughts of Johanna in between. A tear started to flow over her face as she finally drove totally exhausted into sleep.

 

The next days weren’t any better, they only became worse and when they entered the underground system Cressida wouldn’t have imagined, what was waiting for them down there. It was the first night she finally feel asleep quickly, simply out of exhaustion.

 

However, she soon woke up again. The noises she heard were terrifying. Whatever that was, it couldn’t be human and mentally she already prepared herself to die down here. Blindly she followed the others, hoped that they would find any exit very soon.

 

Her hands grabbed the gun strongly, it was the only insurance down here. Jackson was the first they lost, when the horrifying creatures came into sight and then Cressida lost every last bit of orientation. She had no idea, where she was heading to, besides trying to keep up with the others, she had no idea if someone else had died, and she had no idea, how much time went by.

 

All she did was trying to stay alive as long as possible. She tried to protect the others while they did the same for her. Her heart was racing, her breath was incredibly quick and all she did feel was fear. Not one clear thought made it through her head, there was nothing than blunt blackness. All happened on automatic, maybe there would be time later to realise what had happened down in this hell, if she would ever make it out, if she would ever see daylight again.

 

“Cressida! Finnick!” She heard someone scream and focused on the ladder, but then had to turn away again to shot more mutations, which were speeding towards her.

 

Somewhere from up there the screaming for them could still be heard and she felt herself being grabbed by Finnick and he placed her on the stairs. “Move and don’t look back!” He ordered and turned around to keep the next nearing mutations away.

 

Those would be the last words he ever had spoken to her, he never made it up the ladder behind her. Her whole body was shaking and upstairs she couldn’t spot Castor anywhere. She looked around quickly, but he was nowhere. Panic grew up in her and then an enormous explosion throw her to the ground again.

 

“Keep going!” Messalla hold out his hand and quickly they started running after the others. They still were far from being safe. We’ll get out of here, she thought and just in that moment a weird noise emerged besides her and her assistant, who just a few seconds ago was still running next to her, was gone.

 

Cressida stopped, her mouth dropped open, her heart shattered and her legs started to tremble. “Cressida!” Katniss grabbed her arm and took her with her. Cressida’s mind was blank.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Lenny Kravitz - Fly Away*


	12. Where are you now?

_The monsters running wild inside of me_

 

Johanna shrugged and felt someone holding her hand. Cressida was all she could think off and she opened her eyes full of hope, only to see Prim. Then the terrible memory came back to her. She was dead and it had been her fault.

 

“Johanna.” Prim’s voice was soft. “She’s alive. We have no idea how, but some made it out and also Katniss and Cressida are still alive.”

 

I must be dreaming. Johanna thought. She had seen with her own eyes, how they blew up the building the squad was hiding in. How someone could possibly made it out there? And if so, the peacekeepers would be already waiting for them. They must have caught them. Of course and Snow probably celebrated his victory of getting hand on the Mockingjay. What did he care about the others? They were traitors and she knew just too well, what was happening to them.

 

“We have to save them.” Johanna finally managed to say, but Prim just shook her head, what truly frustrated Johanna. They had saved her, why couldn’t they safe the others? The Mockingjay was out there.

 

“No, we can’t. They’re somewhere in the Capitol, we have no idea where and what they’re doing and also Coin doesn’t really care anymore.” Prim’s voice was so low and she could clearly make out that she was frightened, fearful for her sister’s life. “I will go to the Capitol, as a medic, it’s all I can do for my sister.” She made a pause and lanced Johanna a soft look. “And for Cressida.”

 

Johanna shook her head strongly. “Prim, no don’t go, please don’t go.” What if Katniss and all the others never returned? What if they were already dead? No one knew where they were after all. Prim was the last person she could rely on, she couldn’t possible leave her as well.

 

“It’s not for long anymore, Coin says. It’s just a question of days or maybe a week. Johanna we will win this and we need everyone now and so it’s my duty to go. I’ll bring them back to you, I swear.” She grabbed Johanna’s hand stronger and smiled.

 

Promise nothing you can’t guarantee for, Johanna simply thought to herself. She couldn’t be so rough to this tiny naïve angel of a human being. “Please watch out for yourself.” She said instead and Prim just nodded and before she left Johanna had sat up and had drawn her into a deep hug.

 

“See you soon, in a free country.” Those were Prim’s last words before she closed the door behind her.

 

Johanna sank back into her pillow and just stared at the white ceiling. She wished that she could do anything. Days or weeks and nothing to do. How was she going to survive that? She wished that she could go with Prim, but she had no medical training. They also didn’t let her fight, because again she had no training.

 

Heck, there was a thought that so far didn’t leave her mind. Peeta was there and when the supposed to be death people were shown on TV he was listed. Why did they send him? Was it Coin? What if Coin wanted the Mockingjay to be dead? Johanna were shocked by her own thoughts, but somehow she didn’t have any good feelings for the leader. Also Prim had said that she didn’t care anymore. The rebels were going to win this war, the Mockingjay was useless to her then.

 

Johanna grabbed the bedsheets strongly. So if they were still alive, Peeta was among them and he would kill them all. He was the weapon of the Capitol and their stupid leader had worked according to plan of their enemies.

 

She would kill Coin as soon as she would have the chance and if it would be the last thing she would do.

 

Only five of them were left. Pollux sat on the floor crying his eyes out, while Katniss tried to calm down Peeta. Cressida absently took care of Gale’s wounds. Her mind still was blank. She couldn’t even cry, it just felt as if she herself had died inside and that just her body lived on. Lived on, because she had to. It was too late to go back now, too late for any rational movements. There was no way back, they only could end, what they had started.

 

“Thank you.” Gale whispered and grabbed her hand. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, don’t let the grief eat up yourself.”

 

Cressida thought that this was big of him to say, but she simply wasn’t able to express her feelings. All that grew in her was hate and if Katniss hadn’t already claimed to be the one to kill Snow, she would freely have done it, with her own hands. She wished him a painful and slow death. Actually Katniss was too good with her bow and arrow, his death would be too quick for him.

 

“Cress.” It was Gale again, who placed his right hand softly on her shoulder.

 

“I hate him. I hate Snow so much.” She stated angrily clenching her fists.

 

Gale just pushed her closer and placed his arms around her and that finally made her break, tears started flowing over her face and he just held her letting her cry freely, until she felt that there were no more tears left inside of her, but the terrible emptiness she felt, didn’t want to leave her.

 

None of them knew what time it was, but down in this dark cellar it actually didn’t matter as well. All they could do was to wait and literally all of them hated their current situation. They wanted to do something, but they couldn’t do anything about it. It simply was too dangerous.

 

She lay awake all night, at least they thought it be night, but sleep didn’t want to come to her. “Johanna.” Cressida whispered into the silence and nobody stirred. “I love you.” Slowly she sat up and spotted Katniss and Peeta sitting in their corner, where they had sat all day and they also still whispered with each other. Gale and Pollux seemed to be asleep next to her.

 

Suddenly the hatch was opened and once more Cressida prepared herself to die down in a dark cellar owned by a good friend of hers, of whose death she would also be guilty soon. However, instead of peacekeepers, it was Tigris, who appeared.

 

The boys woke up as well and finally all saw a chance of getting out of this. When all the Capitol people will walk towards the palace they could perfectly hide among them. Tigris offered them all kind of costumes, which made them look like normal Capitol people.

 

“Take care.” Tigris said to all of them as they stood at the door and then they finally went into the daylight again. For a few seconds they all felt a little blind, but soon their eyes adjusted to the bright light and them one after one hid themselves among the mass of walking people. Cressida was nearly the last, just Pollux was behind her, as he had insisted. Her heart hammered in her chest and the whole situation was tense as if she already knew that something terrible must happen soon.

 

They all kept eye distance to each other, until they were almost in front of the palace and then it happened. Shooting started, people panicked and sprinted around in a wild mass, someone ran into Cressida and she fell to the ground. People stumbled over her, pain flew threw her body, but she wasn’t ready to give up, not yet and she failed to stand up again, until a young woman finally offered her hand. The poor civilian probably had no idea of just having helped the enemy.

 

The others were gone. She turned around, but couldn’t see anyone. Huge tanks owned by the rebels showed up and the shooting and screaming was terrible. Cressida started to ran, tried to get out of sight, before any peacekeeper would recognise her.

 

Suddenly someone grabbed her arm whirled her around. She wanted to scream, but what would it help? The peacekeeper hold his gun pressed against her head and she closed her eyes in terrible fear. In her head she spoke to Johanna, excused to her for not coming back, told her how much she loved her and then a gun fired and she sank to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Alan Walker - Faded*


	13. So the little heart slowly fades away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, but Christmas came in between. 
> 
> Also I'm sorry, not sorry to tantalise you a little more.

_When she falls, she falls like the lightest snow flake_

 

Someone was shaking her body and something very heavy was lifted off her. She felt feather light and didn’t dare to open her eyes. The gunshot still echoed in her head like a siren. All the noises around her sounded far away and were drowned by the thrilling sound in her ears. Her body was shaken again, what made her feel every part of herself in terrible pain and then she was lifted into the air.

 

Slowly Cressida opened her heavy eyelids and glanced directly into Pollux’s red swollen eyes. Despite all the pain and the weakness she felt, just the fact that he was there made her fell a little safer. His face lighted up as soon as he realised that she was awake. “I’m not dead.” She whispered. Her voice was very low and Pollux didn’t hear her, but understood her anyway and just nodded.

 

He carried the wounded director out of the masses and hid with her around a corner. Just in that moment a loud explosion shook the walls around them and Cressida grabbed his right shoulder with her good arm.

 

Pollux closed his eyes in fear and shielded her body with his own, when the next explosion filled the air. Horrifying screams could be heard everywhere and Pollux started to tremble. It had all been too much for him. He couldn’t bear it anymore, all the deaths, all the violence, all the noises and all he had done before. He had much blood on his fingers, he had turned into a killer.

 

Cressida’s grip grew stronger. “Pollux please, I need help, please. I need you, don’t leave me now.” Her voice had grown even weaker and Pollux registered with horror, that the life was running out of her, if he wouldn’t find any help for her anytime soon.

 

The young director suffered a huge blood loss caused mainly by the bullet wound that luckily had missed all her life needing organs. Cressida couldn’t understand that, since she remembered the gun clearly pressed against her head, but she felt too weak to think about it any longer, too weak to ask any question and somehow she also felt as if it didn’t matter anymore.

 

All the sounds around her grew distant and once more everything became dark. Pollux starred with shock at the lifeless body of the young blonde woman that slowly sank to the ground. Quickly he took off the coat Tigris had given him and carefully placed it beneath the unconscious Cressida.

 

He was still shaking terribly, could barely stand up, but he knew he had too. He had to find help and so he tried to find a secure hold to crawl along the wall. His hands were covered with blood, her blood and he tried not to look at them out of fear that he would collapse then. He had to make it till the street at least, he had to look out for help.

 

Just as he reached the street he spotted a paramedic across the road and started to wave his arms to gain attention. However, the young man on the other side didn’t seem to notice him. Pollux wished so much that he could scream right now, but he couldn’t, so he picked up a stone and threw it over the street, where it hit against a wall.

 

The paramedic shrugged horribly and made a few steps backwards, before he hurriedly turned around and finally build up eye contact with Pollux. The young cameraman could read the panic in the other man’s face and felt bad for it, but what else could he have done? The doctor screamed something across the street towards another person, which Pollux just noticed in that moment and then came running over.

 

Tears flew over Pollux’s face and he just broke down, sank onto his knees, when the two paramedics reached him. He could only gesture into Cressida’s direction, before he sunk into the arms of the young man, while the other ran into the direction he had shown before. Deep in his heart Pollux felt that it must be too late. He had failed to save the last friend he had left. Why didn’t he find her earlier? He could have saved her, but he was just a failure.

 

When Johanna had woken up this morning, she couldn’t have known, what was waiting for her. Days had passed since she had last seen Prim and since she had last heard that anyone knew that Cressida was still alive. They had let her go back to her own bunk, but usually she spent her days in the refectory anyway. She was alone there most of the time and just stared at the screens.

 

Today was the day it all was coming to an end, she had thought. She saw it on TV, how the events came thick and fast so that Johanna could barely keep track with it and then, suddenly the doors swung open. “Miss Mason.” A soldier called out her name in a strong voice and Johanna barely lifted her eyes of the screen, afraid to miss a sequence in which Cressida might be visible.

 

“Miss Mason, the president wishes to see you.” The solider spoke up again, while he had stopped a few feet in front of her.

 

“Me?” Johanna asked in confusion and slowly stood up. She hadn’t forgotten about her plan to kill her off as soon as she was able to do it. Heck, Johanna also wasn’t reckless and she wouldn’t be as long as she didn’t have a confirmation that Cressida was dead. As long as there was still hope, Johanna still did her steps carefully. The blonde director really was the last shining light in her life, the last hope she clung her life on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Indica - War Child*


	14. I will never believe what they say

_You will be all that I seek_

 

She was sent to the Capitol. No one told her, what had happened or where anyone was, they just send her there two weeks after the fights had ended and it was declared to be safe enough. No one knew or at least no one admit to have an idea, where Cressida was. Nearly everyone else somehow was found, but Cressida, her team and Finnick, Johanna added to her mental list. Not that she cared much about Cressida’s propo team, but after all they were her lover’s closest friends.

 

Johanna had swallowed some tears down, but she had to go on. There was nothing to lose anymore. She would kill Coin. Johanna had already spoken her guilty in mind for all the useless deaths of her friends, of her girlfriend. It was actually the first time Johanna referred to Cressida as her girlfriend, but in her mind she was free to do what she wanted, she decided. And whatever she had been to the gorgeous blonde woman probably didn’t matter anymore. Johanna had kissed the little girl’s face on the picture that Cressida had given her. Tears had fallen on it. It was all she had left and she clung desperately on it.

 

So she found herself in a hovercraft with some other people like Annie and Coin. Johanna wasn’t someone, who was good at calming down people, but somehow she found a bound to the girl. No one knew, where her husband was after all. She had to talk to Katniss, she had to know, what had happened. Annie and she had all rights to know the fate of the people they loved most.

 

They all were brought to the president’s villa, where they all should stay for the following days if not weeks. Johanna just threw her tiny bag onto a bed before she made her way through the huge mansion looking for Katniss. She had some ideas where to possibly find her. The dark corners, where someone could hide, almost disappear, those must be the right spots. So she was surprised to bump into her, in the middle of the hall on the first floor.

 

“Sorry.” Katniss murmured and tried to walk away without even paying attention who was standing right in front of her, but Johanna grabbed her arm. The young girl looked up finally and a kind of smile built on her sad face. “Johanna.” It was almost a whisper, but then she simply crashed into her arms. Tears started to flow freely down her face and Johanna just held her. “I’m here. I’m here Katniss.” Johanna whispered back.

 

After what must have seem like an eternity Katniss grabbed Johanna’s hand and guided her into a nearby sitting room, where they both sat down on neighbouring chairs. The room was huge and the walls were covered in red and gold, big portraits hung on the walls and huge chandeliers bathed the room in a warm light.

 

“I’ve to kill Coin.” The words are so quietly and Johanna is taken aback by them. “She killed them.”

 

“Who?” Johanna was truly confused. Whom did the younger girl speak about?

 

“Prim. She killed Prim. She killed all those children out there. I know it was her, Johanna.” Johanna remembered the video footage clearly. She had had no idea that Prim had died, no one told her, but she was convinced very easily of this to be Coin’s doing.

 

Carefully Johanna reached out for Katniss’ hand. “It was her doing and she must die. She must die for so much that she did. She’s just another Snow.” Katniss nodded and was relieved her former bunkmate managed to look through that woman’s façade as well. “She’ll die through one of our hands.” Katniss concluded and this time it was Johanna who nodded, so slightly that everyone would have missed it, but Katniss.

 

Silence lay between them for a while. None felt the urge to say something. Heck, actually Johanna did, but she was too afraid to raise the question. But who else should she question, if not a squad mate?

 

“Nearly all of us died.” Katniss suddenly spoke again and Johanna’s heart dropped. “Finnick’s dead…nearly everyone is dead and it’s all my fault.”

 

Johanna took her hand away from Katniss, she was struck in shock and all she could see were empty eyes staring into nowhere. Katniss spoke as if she herself was long dead. “Finnick died?” Her voice trembled and tears appeared in her eyes, when she noticed Katniss nodding so slightly, one could almost oversee it, again.

 

“He saved her…He saved Cressida.” Suddenly the brunette girl stood up and made her way over to the door. Johanna immediately jumped of her chair as well, so energetically that it almost fell over and grabbed Katniss’ arm once more. “Where’s she now?”

 

“I don’t know.” These were the last words Johanna heard, before she went away, out of her sight. Johanna leaned against the wall. Was Cressida still alive? Why didn’t Katniss bother to look for her? Of course, she had lost her sister, she looked through Coin’s self and was eaten up with all that guilt, that actually wasn’t hers, Johanna thought. Why should she have looked out for a woman she never really truly cared about? The woman who was the reason that Finnick was dead, maybe. How was Johanna supposed to look into Annie’s eyes ever again? After all Finnick didn’t know, didn’t he? Questions over questions plagued Johanna and she wished for someone to give her answers, but everyone who could was dead, if but only mentally.

 

She wandered a little through the house until she decided to go outside to breath in some fresh air. Johanna had seen all the destruction, but no bad ghosts haunted her here. She had hated the capitol and seeing it in ashes gave her actually some evil pleasure.

 

Abruptly a thought hit her. The hospital. Why didn’t she think of it earlier? Without any further thoughts the young woman started running towards the hospital. It was actually not that far away, but Johanna was breathing heavily, when she came there. It was a huge building that luckily hadn’t suffered much destruction besides some bullet holes in the walls.

 

The staff was very busy and no paid attention to her after she had entered through the enormous glass doors that where almost completely shattered, but then she spotted long lists of names on the wall opposite of her. Names over names of people and their room numbers. Johanna felt her heart beating in her chest, but she had no idea what Cressida’s surname was, so she already lost hope to ever find her until she somehow spotted a very short name.

 

‘Cressida’ It said and nothing more. Was that her Cressida? Did she really have no surname? She had to find out and read the number a few times to be sure to keep it in mind - ICU23A. She repeated it on her mind the whole way and didn’t waste a thought at the meaning of ICU until she stood directly in front of the closed door that said ‘Intensive Care’. She stopped breathing for a moment, if the woman was her Cressida, was she even tough enough to see her?

 

“Excuse me miss, do you intend to see someone?” An elderly woman in a white doctor’s overall stood a few feet away from her, a clipboard in her hand and a stethoscope around her neck.

 

Johanna breathed in sharply. “I...I wish…I wish to see Cressida.” “And you are?” The words were immediately fired back at her, not unfriendly, but strict. “Johanna. I’m Johanna Mason.” The woman shuffled through the pages, as if she was looking for something. “Mason…Mason…ah here. Yes you are actually allowed to see her.” Johanna is truly surprised to hear that, because how on earth did she make it onto that woman’s list?

 

However, there was no time to think further, since the doctor already unlocked the door with a simple plastic card and leaded her into another endless white corridor. Her heels clung onto the hard floor and they stopped in front of another door. The doctor opened the door and guided Johanna inside. There were lots of overalls everywhere.

 

“Miss Mason, please change your clothes and take care to sanitise everything carefully, before I can lead you to your friend.” Johanna only nodded and waited a moment for the woman to leave, but she just stood there staring at her and Johanna figured that she probably would watch her doing everything properly.

 

A little self-conscious Johanna took off her shirt and trousers and received a nod that this would be enough. So she started to put the sanitiser on her hands and arms and dressed and overall. “Step into that box with your shoes, please.” The woman ordered and Johanna obliged naturally. As soon as both her feet were inside more sanitiser landed on her shoes and then she could finally leave that room again to reach another endless corridor. How can a building be that big? Johanna wondered, but was soon taken back to reality.

 

They stood in front of Cressida’s room. Just seconds separated her now from whatever was waiting for her. Johanna’s breathing quickened and the doctor laid her warm hand carefully on her arm. She didn’t say anything, only nodded and so Johanna opened the door and stepped inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: CHVRCHES - Dead Air*


	15. They say in heaven love comes first

_Let’s make heaven a place on earth_

 

“Johanna.” It was a rough whisper, but it somehow put a smile on the young woman’s face. Shyly she lifted her head and looked directly into those blue eyes she had missed a lot during the last days, weeks.

 

Slowly she walked over and grabbed Cressida’s hand. Her fingers drew circles on her palm and both stayed silent. The moment felt like magic, just a few moments ago Johanna had feared the blonde woman had been killed. The knots in her stomach suddenly disappeared. No matter how serious Cressida’s wounds were, she was alive, she was here and she still remembered her.

 

“Johanna.” Cressida whispered again and slowly brought her hand to her lips to place a soft kiss on the skin. Her lips were bruised and dry, but for Johanna it was the best feeling she had since a very long time.

 

Slowly she sat down and her other hand carefully brushed some strands of hair out of Cressida’s face. The smile of her lips didn’t reach her eyes, they were just as dead as Katniss’ and Johanna understood, how the disastrous war had done his part. He had finally broken the woman she loved. How much she wished that she could free Cressida from all the bad memories. She would freely take them. What more could they do to her anyway?

 

Johanna leaned down and pressed a soft kiss on her forehead. The other woman closed her eyes enjoying the contact. They hadn’t spoken any word so far, besides Cressida mentioning her name, but she did it, to make herself realise of her lover being here. Being really here, alive.

 

She had had terrible nightmares. Johanna had died in all of them and she had failed saving her every single time. Cressida went through all the horrors of war again, night after night. But in her dreams the dead people weren’t Finnick, Messalla or Castor, it was always Johanna.

 

Johanna cupped her cheek and stared into the ice cold blue eyes staring back at her. Even in their emotionless state, she felt getting lost in them. “You’re alive.” She murmured and her face drew closer and closer.

 

“I could never save you…never.” Cressida’s words confused her. “You die every single time.” Again the brunette woman brushed her hand through Cressida’s hair, placed a strand behind her ear. “I’m here Cress. I’m right here, I’m alive and let me save you.”

 

Cressida dropped her gaze her fingers playing nervously with each other and a tear flew down her face. “Is there anything to save? What for?” Johanna placed a gentle finger under the other woman’s chin. “For us Cress. You fought for a better life, so let me help you live it.”

 

She wiped the blonde’s tears away with her thumb gently moving over the pale skin. “I love you Cress. I really do. All the time I couldn’t imagine myself ever having those feelings for anyone, but you proved me wrong. I love you and please let me love you, let me make you better, let us heal together.”

 

Cressida shyly lifted her eyes, which seemed to look more tired with every second. Her lips slightly moved upwards and her hands made her way to Johanna’s cheeks. Gently she cupped them and drew the other woman even closer. Their noses brushed a little against each other and she could feel Johanna’s warm breath on her skin.

 

It was Johanna in the end, who closed the remaining distance and it was also the first time that she was the one initiating a kiss between them. Cressida’s lips were rough and the cracked skin scratched her own lips. However, Johanna couldn’t care less. She was kissing her girl again, she was kissing her while she was afraid for days that this would never happen again.

 

The kiss was short, but it transferred so many feelings. It was full of love and trust, full of you’re not alone and I’ll never leave you again.

 

When they parted they both had tears in their eyes and Cressida chuckled a little, but it seemed as if this took all of her remaining energy. “I didn’t think that I would ever kiss you again and even now I can’t believe that this is really happening. I just have died, we both must have died.”

 

Gently Johanna stroke her hand over Cressida’s cheek. “This is real. We are real.” “I love you Johanna.” Cressida pressed her head against her once more to make their lips touch. She felt as if she could never get enough of her, but she also felt drifting away. The sounds slowly grew distant, Johanna seemed to move away, while she was so close.

 

Johanna leaned down a little more so that their bodies touched what made Cressida wince in awful pain. Shocked Johanna drew away quickly. The blonde’s face had become even paler, it was nearly plain white and she had her eyes closed.

 

“Sorry.” Johanna murmured and took Cressida’s hand in hers. “What happened?” She knew nothing, no one seemed to know anything. That was war after all, a huge mess.

 

“Don’t be.” Cressida’s voice was noticeably weaker. “I’m very tired.” Her eyes fell almost shut and her head dropped a little to her side. It made Johanna’s heart ache to see her like that. All the good feelings that were just rushing through her body suddenly had disappeared.

 

Johanna made a move to stand up, but Cressida’s grip on her hand grew a little stronger. Of course it was still soft, but considering her state Johanna understood that she didn’t want her to leave. “Don’t go, please don’t. Who knows if I’ll ever see you again?”

 

Carefully Johanna sat down again, caressed the blonde’s face, but Cressida seemed to slowly drift away. The brunette nibbled nervously on her lip, while she wished she could do anything. She wished of being able to take all the pain away from her, she wished she could make her stronger.

 

Tears started to flow down her face and she didn’t even notice it, until a first one fell down on their united hands. “Don’t leave me. I’ve just found you again, please Cress.” Her own voice was weak and low.

 

The door opened and the same doctor she had meet before entered. Johanna followed her absently out of the room, she didn’t even tried to protest, while another team of medical staff rushed to the young director.

 

“Will she make it?” Johanna’s eyes were daring at the doctor, who only made a sad face. “We can’t tell yet.” This finally brought Johanna unto her knees. She sank to the ground as a sobbing mess. Cressida couldn’t leave her, she simply couldn’t. The blonde woman was all she needed in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a place on earth*


	16. Take me to the magic of the moment

_And distant memories are buried in the past forever_

 

When Cressida woke up again, she was alone. Had it all been a dream? Had it all been an illusion? Since her body was drugged up with painkillers, she didn’t feel any pain, but her dreams had been the worst ever. Again Johanna had died under her hands and again she woke up with a loud scream and her body was bathed in sweat.

 

The door swung open and a young nurse stumbled inside alarmed by her screaming. The girl looked at her in sheer panic, but seemed to relax when she saw that Cressida had simply woken up, even when it happened with a storm.

 

“Is she dead?” Cressida’s eyes were filled with fear while those words left her mouth. The nurse walked over and looked irritated at her. “Who?” Carefully Cressida tried to sit up, stared around the clinic white room as if Johanna was hiding somewhere. “The girl…Johanna…She was here? She was really here, right?”

 

Her heart made a little jump, when she saw the girl nodding. “Yes she was here, but we had to send her home to try and get some sleep.”

 

“Home?” Cressida’s voice was loud, louder than she expected it to be and louder than she thought she was able to speak at the moment. The nurse grabbed her hand carefully, tried to comfort her. Little did she know that only one human being was really able to comfort the blonde woman. The relief was huge again, when Cressida understood that the nurse was speaking of a place in the Capitol.

 

So not much time went by until Johanna reappeared in a white overall looking totally worn out, but in Cressida’s eyes, she was still the most beautiful woman on earth. She couldn’t remember of ever feeling so attached to someone and she also soon understood how the two of them basically clung at each other, as if one couldn’t exist anymore without the other. They simply didn’t see any reason anymore to go on alone. During the time both had seen too much for the young life they had just lived so far. Too much to make oneself understand it.

 

Every day Johanna spent hours at Cressida’s bed holding her hand mostly in silence. They didn’t know where to start, both were too afraid the other couldn’t hear more devastating stories. Somehow the scenario was very similar to the beginning of their relationship, just their positions had switched.

 

Furthermore, they knew that talking wasn’t needed, all they needed was the other girl to be there, to know she was alive.

 

Johanna had forgotten through the time what real happiness must have felt like, but she kind of got an idea of it when she one day came to the hospital and found Cressida in a normal room. The terrible machines were all gone, the pain killers were reduced and there seemed to be a huge light on the horizon.

 

Cressida’s healing process went on very well and in the end all that will be left will be two little scars, one at her abdomen and one at her upper left arm. Scars that will always remember her of the war and of the bullets that were send to kill her, but luckily failed to do so.

 

As every day Johanna was there when Cressida could finally leave the hospital. She literally had nothing left and so Johanna had brought her some of her own clothes, which were a little too big for the slim Cressida, but she was thankful anyway.

 

“I’ve nowhere to go.” Cressida admitted still sitting on the hospital bed. Johanna cupped her hands and looked into the wonderful blue eyes, which started sadly back at her. “You come with me of course.”

 

She might have imagined it, but it seemed to her that the young director had blushed a little. “I…I really don’t want to create any difficulties.” Cressida murmured and Johanna simply kissed her. It took her totally by surprise, since they hadn’t been that close anymore since that one day, when Johanna had first visited her here. “I would love to have you near Cress. I want to wake up and see that you’re there. I don’t want to worry anymore.” Johanna admitted and again the blonde’s cheeks flushed.

 

So Cressida surrendered and slowly they made their way out of the hospital. She squinted her eyes at the bright daylight and took in the surroundings. “Everything is destroyed.” The words were spoken in such a low voice, Johanna almost missed them. Careful and also kind of insecure she placed her arm around Cressida’s hips and pressed her closer.

 

This, the capitol had been the place she had grown up in. She wouldn’t say that it had been a place of happiness, actually it had been a place of much pain and fear throughout her life. “Maybe…maybe one must destroy to start again.”

 

“Maybe.” Johanna whispered and noticed that Cressida had begun walking again. This time her steps were taken with force as if she wanted to reach their destination as fast as possible.

 

Cressida felt insecure again as if everyone was staring at her. Did those people hate her? Did they like her? Did they felt sorry for her? She wouldn’t know and she just wanted to hide and so she was relieved that the president’s mansion wasn’t that far away from the hospital. The last time she had been in that building wasn’t that long ago actually, but everything was different back then. So different it seemed like a different life in a different time, a life she definitely wouldn’t want back.

 

The house welcomed them with their emptiness or rather quietness, because all its inhabitants used to hide in some corners trying to avoid any social contact. Cressida took in her surrounding with her mouth wide open. She might have been in here before, but never had she spent a second to look around. She had detested this building as long as Snow had lived in it and now she was going to live in a building she hated with the woman she loved. Life can be bizarre, Cressida thought as she followed Johanna up the stairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Scorpions – Wind of Change*


	17. The time has come for us to laugh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this update took a little longer than usually, but my semester is coming to an end and so the pile of work for university was only growing larger and larger.

_To celebrate our loneliness_

 

Cressida was exhausted when they reached Johanna’s room. After weeks of basically lying in bed all day, even walking a short way like this felt like a marathon for her. So she immediately took advantage of the huge bed that stood in the centre of the large room, but not before lancing a look around. The windows were covered with silken white curtains decorated with golden embroidery. A huge palm tree stood in a corner and it looked, as if it would need to be watered. On the opposite wall stood a large wardrobe, which was probably made of mahogany like the bed, Cressida guessed.

 

The bed was soft and she felt as if she would fall onto heaven. Her feet hurt and her legs burned from the unfamiliar effort. Her left arm was still in a cast and she placed it on her abdomen and stared at the ceiling. Even the simply white ceiling was a beautiful artwork and Cressida closed her eyes. She didn’t want to see any more of this lavishly lifestyle. Hopefully they wouldn’t have to stay in here for too long.

 

“Do you need anything?” Johanna asked from across the room. Cressida had to smile a little, while she spoke. “Yes, you next to me.” She patted the empty spot next to her with her right hand and heard Johanna shuffling through the room.

 

She felt the bed shift a little besides her a few seconds after and when she turned her head, her eyes meet Johanna’s and she stroke over her cheek with her good arm. Johanna grabbed Cressida’s hand and placed a kiss on her palm, while not braking eye contact.

 

Silence grew between them during which they simply hold hands lying on Johanna’s huge bed staring at each other smiling. They had never talked much, but they also both knew that they had to. If they want this, whatever they had at that moment, to work out, they had to talk. They had to fill the blind gaps between them, had to open themselves. But for the moment they simply enjoyed the time they had, the silence, and the peaceful atmosphere. After all they were finally safe, weren’t they?

 

Johanna placed a gentle kiss on Cressida’s forehead, who closed her eyes and just whispered. “Thank you.” There were so many more things she wanted to say, but couldn’t pack them into words. She had never felt like this for anyone before and now she felt unable to express herself.

 

“Thank you?” Johanna looked rather confused. “I’ve to thank you, you are so good for me.” Deep in her heart she knew that they were good for each other. All they layers and masks the two of them wore around others fell away, as soon as they were together. They understood each other in a way no one else could.

 

“And you’re the best for me Johanna. I never thought that I could ever love someone until I meet you and I wouldn’t be here, if it wasn’t for you.” Cressida’s voice was low, but Johanna could make out the sincerity in her words.

 

Awkwardly she shook her head. “It was Pollux who saved your life, not me Cress. I was far away, safe and sound in 13.” She knew what Cressida had intended with her words, but also she had a tiny hope of finally hearing something of what had happened.

 

“But I fought for you Johanna. I wanted to come back to you, that’s what I promised, right? And after all I couldn’t even say goodbye, so how could I make it such a drastic one? During all this time and pain I fought for you, otherwise I would have probably given up. There’s no one else waiting for me out there and sometimes…sometimes I think that I should have died down there with my team. I should have died, so that Pollux would have his brother, I should have died so that Messalla could have lived his life…” Johanna placed her lips on Cressida’s to cut her off. She kissed her fiercely, didn’t want to hear any other words of regret.

 

She hovered herself half on top of the other woman nibbling and biting on Cressida’s bruised lips, before her tongue pressed into the blonde’s mouth. Cressida was overwhelmed by Johanna’s outbreak of emotion and could only awkwardly place her hands on her back. Their bodies were so close and Cressida enjoyed the sensation.

 

Johanna tried her best to be careful and to not touch Cressida anywhere, where it could hurt her, but she craved the other woman, she needed to feel and taste her. Her hands wandered under the lose shirt, she had lent the young director earlier and touched the soft bare skin beneath. Cressida felt goose bumps emerging on her skin and a shudder flew down her spine, when she felt Johanna’s cold hand on her abdomen.

 

Their kisses grew rougher with the time and were full of intention and Cressida cursed her broken arm for making her so clumsy. In the meanwhile Johanna’s arm wandered upwards until her hand cupped one of her breasts through the fabric of her bra. Cressida simply grabbed the back of Johanna’s head and pressed her more against her, sucked on her tongue and moaned into her mouth.

 

Cressida’s hurt arm lay on Johanna’s back and her fingers toyed with Johanna’s shirt. As much as she wanted to take it off, she knew that she was unable to do so. She also felt unsure about all what was happening between them. After all she loved her, she really did, but she never had been in a real relationship and she didn’t want to fuck up anything. She wanted to do everything right, but had no idea about what was right.

 

Johanna stopped kissing her, since she noticed that Cressida had drifted away in her thoughts. “Are you alright?” She stroke through the soft blonde hair and meet the wonderful blue eyes looking back at her. “Yes, I just can’t believe that I’m here with you.”

 

Johanna smiled and pressed another soft kiss on Cressida’s lips, before she placed her head on her good shoulder. Only seconds passed by until both shrugged, because someone knocked on the door and the person on the other side just opened it, without waiting for a response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Polarkreis 18 - Allein, allein*


	18. Pull me closer if you think you can hang, hands up, hands tied

_Don't go screaming if I blow you with a bang_

 

“Miss Mason!” A strong female voice filled the room. “President Coin wishes to see you.” The soldier stood in the open door in the full uniform holding a huge gun in her hands.

 

Johanna had no idea what she could probably want from her and so she simply obeyed. She quickly pressed a kiss on Cressida’s cheek and hopped of the bed following the soldier out of the room. She had never seen her before, so she must come from some district and not 13. However, Johanna didn’t really care.

 

“One might wait for an answer when knocking.” She hissed at the armed woman walking next to her, but she totally ignored Johanna’s complaint rather looked as if she felt disgusted by something and Johanna wondered what it was.

 

They stopped in front of an ostentatious double door and the soldier, whose name was still unknown to Johanna opened one half of them and moved her arm to make Johanna walk inside. The door closed behind her with a loud bang.

 

“Miss Mason.” Coin sat behind a huge table looking kind of evil. The smile she had put on her face wasn’t sincere and Johanna understood this without any second thoughts and wondered what this masquerade was for. “I’ve seen…you invited a guest without, let’s say, my permission.”

 

Johanna made a few step towards the president who still had this terrible fake smile on her lips. Her hair was straightened as always and hung down on both sides of her face. “So I think you know, who she is.” Johanna exclaimed and crossed her arms provocatively in front of her body.

 

“Yes and I might say that I’m not very pleased with your choices of visitors Miss Mason. It’s of course…tremendous what happened to the woman, but I might not want her here, in my house. She’s not from the districts.” The president’s voice was ice cold and she ended her sentence abruptly.

 

“But…” Johanna started to protest. Heck, Coin didn’t let her speak. “Mason, if you live under my roof then this also includes you following my rules. You’re free to go after your little _girlfriend_ out onto the streets.” She dropped her face again and went on with her paperwork totally ignoring Johanna’s presence.

 

Johanna was struck and tried once more to speak up, but Coin only lifted her hand to shut her up and then made a sign towards another soldier, who grabbed Johanna’s arm strongly and pushed her out of the room shutting the door onto her face.

 

The young woman was angry, no she was furious. Coin was just another Snow, she thought while pounding up the stairs, but when she entered her room there was no one. Johanna whirled around as if Cressida might play a stupid game with her, but she was nowhere. “Coin!” She screamed into the emptiness of the room and hammered her fist into the door of the wardrobe with such intensity that the wood cracked a little.

 

Johanna stormed to Coin’s office again tearing the door open. Within seconds she leaned on Coin’s desk, her face was flushed out of anger. “Where’s Cressida?”

 

“Where she belongs.” Coin answered without even meeting Johanna’s gaze. “I offered you to follow her, remember?”

 

Johanna grabbed the papers Coin was working on and threw them of the table. They all landed in total disorder on the floor all over the room. Then she pushed the glass of water to the ground as well, where it broke into a million pieces and the liquid found its way over the ground ruining some of the papers. “You get her back, now!”

 

Coin breathed in sharply and her hands formed fists. “You’re not in the position to demand anything from me, Miss Mason and I ask you to leave this room now or you’ll regret it.”

 

“You get her back! She stays in this fucking house as long as it fucking pleases me! Your lazy ass wouldn’t heat up that chair if she didn’t do any propos. The revolution would have died before it started.”

Coin laughed loudly. “You really think that your little dyke was so important? I would have found a million others, who would probably turned out more loyal. I knew that it had been a mistake to lay this work into the hands of a naïve capitol girl.”

 

“More loyal? She nearly died, how can anyone be more loyal? She would have given her life for this.” Johanna smashed the pencil holder as well in her anger and Coin seemed to be only seconds away from exploding.

 

“Miss Mason, before you also start to destroy the furniture, might I tell you a story of your _loyal_ dyke?” Coin’s eyes burned at Johanna and exhausted she finally let herself fall into the chair next to her. “Katniss didn’t follow any of my orders and her whole team followed that insane little kid and you might have noticed that the propo team was in that exact same squad and she believed that stupid child. Let Katniss kill Snow and then I hope she’s out of my sight forever.” Coin made a sigh as if to make everything sound more dramatic, but Johanna knew that it was all still just a show. “The squad members all have to pay, I’ll make them pay for disobeying orders and your dyke refused, so she can rot on the streets.”

 

Johanna was so angry and she had so many reasons to be damn furious at the president, not only that she spoke disrespectful about the woman she loved, but she also wanted to force her do things, she probably couldn’t agree with doing. “What did you want from her?”

 

“I want her to film the execution, she declined, so she’s a dead woman to me.” Coin looked directly at Johanna then. “Or do you think you can bring her to her senses? You seem to have a huge influence on her…in a way I won’t accept, but if you make her film the execution, I might let you two rot together somewhere far away, where I don’t have to see you ever again, otherwise she’ll be dead.”

 

The president nodded at her soldier and again Johanna was transferred out of the room, only this time it was much more brutal. Outside Johanna’s wish to destroy everything in this cursed house was immense. When she for once had trust in Coin’s words, then she truly believed that Cressida would be dead during the next days, if not hours, if she couldn’t safe her, but Johanna already had a plan. All she needed at that very moment was Katniss and afterwards she shouldn’t lose any more time to find her lover again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: M.I.A. - Bad girls*


	19. With the warmth of your arms you saved me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this took so long, but real life trouble took over a little.

_And secret words are said to start a war_

 

Cressida shrugged when someone opened the door abruptly and then several soldiers stormed inside and grabbed her roughly. She bit her lips out of pain and tried to free herself, but she was too weak and alone against three trained soldiers.

 

A hand closed around her mouth, when she tried to scream for help and then they dragged her outside the building, pushing her off the last stairs, before they turned around and locked her out. Cressida lay on the ground, held her casted arm and tried to fight off her tears.

 

A few people must have seen what had happened and stormed into her direction. She was terribly afraid, since they must know, who she was and out in the Capitol she didn’t feel safe anymore. However, she realised soon that they came to offer help. A young man pulled her off the ground and carried her a few blocks away into one of these huge apartment buildings.

 

During the bombing the house had taken a lot of damage and there were dozens of bullet holes in the wall, still people seemed to live in here. She was brought inside a flat on the second floor, that looked like it was owned by rich people and Cressida was wondering if it actually belonged to the couple and if so, why did they help her?

 

“Jane we need some water to clean her wounds.” The young man talked to the girl next to him and Cressida pressed her hand against her forehead. Her whole body hurt again. Will this ever end? Somehow she just wanted to die. She had no idea where Johanna was and according to how they treated her, she feared the worst. She bloody hated Coin so much and wished she could kill her with her bare hands.

 

The boy took her hand. “Cressida, don’t worry, we’ll take care of you.” She glanced directly at him meeting his clear blue eyes. “Who are you? Why are you helping me? It’s dangerous to be involved with me.”

 

He only shook his head. “If we give up now this revolution was for nothing” A small smile built up on her face. “How comes a young Capitol boy thinks like that? Look around, you had everything and now you’ve to start from the scratch.”

 

Meanwhile the girl had reappeared and started to clean the wounds on her arms and cheek, while they boy seemed to think about what to answer. “You are also one of us.” The girl nodded enthusiastically at his comment and started to add more information. “Mom and dad always wanted the best for us, but we aren’t stupid, we saw what’s going on and we saw that our parents only tried to save us. Jason wanted to join the fights, but dad didn’t let him.”

 

“Where are your parents now?” Cressida asked carefully. “Working at the hospital, they’re doctors.” Jane smiled proudly at Cressida, while she wrung out the cloth. “That’s why you’re so good at caring.” This made the siblings blush a little.

 

“Do you have any place to go to?” Jason inquired, while he placed a tray with some buttered toasts and a cup of tea on the little coffee table in front of the couch Cressida was resting on, after Jane had finished taking care of her wounds. Dropping her gaze she shook her head. “We’ll figure out something, get some rest first.”

 

With that they left her alone in the room and somehow the blonde also drifted into sleep, only to be visited by nightmares again. She was thrown back into the war, their squad had just entered the Capitol and was looking for a place to stay at night. While storming into an apartment building they were stopped by two teens and then guns were fired. Blood was literally everywhere and she started screaming.

 

Cressida woke up still screaming and looked right into Jane’s scared eyes. Just seconds ago the girl had been killed right in front of her, blood had been all over her body and yet she was here, holding her hand and pressing a cold cloth against her forehead. Cressida’s breath was terribly fast and her heart was pumping wildly in her chest, while she felt sweat creeping all over her skin.

 

“Sorry.” She finally murmured, but Jane only shook her head. “We all have them, those nightmares, it’s what still makes us human, right?” Only now Cressida noticed how young the girl still was, maybe 13, but definitely not much older.

 

“I found her…oh she’s awake.” Jason had just popped his head into the room and somehow it calmed Cressida down a little to see, he was also alive and that no one, especially not a member of her squad had killed him. He stepped fully inside the room and waved at someone to follow him and Cressida’s heart made a jump, when she saw Johanna, whose face lit up simultaneously.

 

“Cress!” A weird shriek filled the room as she stumbled over to the sofa dropping to her knees and taking Cressida into her arms. “Cress. Cress.” Johanna said her name over and over again. “I’m here Jo.” Tears appeared in Johanna’s eyes and she readjusted her hands on the blonde’s cheeks and kissed her forehead.

 

Heck, Cressida didn’t care about anything around them and just kissed Johanna full on the mouth. Her fingers toyed with the short brown hair and she pressed the other woman against her. “Never leave me again.” Cressida whispered and Johanna just nodded, while they had finally broken the kiss to gasp for some air. “No I won’t.”

 

“And don’t cry, I’m alright. “ The young director giggled a little, while she wiped away the strains of tears of Johanna’s face. “But I really need to place to go to, Jo.” She gave her girl a worried look.

 

Johanna sat down on the edge of the couch. “You come with me of course.” “Thanks, but I’ve got enough of that.” Cressida rolled her eyes and wondered, what made Johanna think that she would ever set a foot into that building again.

 

“Coin allows you inside…if…if you…” The brunette stammered, but Cressida immediately cut her words. “Don’t come with that shit now as well. I won’t do that, I’d rather die.”

 

Shocked Johanna took her hands off the blonde’s body. “What’s the problem? You just film it and then we’ll leave for good Cress. Then it will be only you and me.” The brunette’s voice sounded almost dreamy at the end and Cressida found it disgusting.

 

The blonde grew furious and Johanna had no idea, what she had done wrong. “I won’t and I never will! Creating propaganda was fun until people died for real Jo. I don’t want to have anything to do with it anymore. Also I’ve no team. I can’t and I won’t, especially not for Coin. She’s just another Snow.”

 

“Do it for me Cress, for me and Katniss, please.” Johanna smiled softly at her, but it didn’t have any positive effect. Instead it made the blonde only more enraged. “What? Are you insane? Do you even know what you’re demanding from me? That’s all so sick! A public execution, where are we? Right back to where we were before already, just hundreds of people died and the fucking leader got replaced by someone who isn’t any better. Fuck you Jo!”

 

In awe Johanna jumped of the couch. “I thought you knew me better than this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: HIM - Killing Loneliness*


	20. Every now and then I get a little bit terrified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, surprise I actually felt like writing tonight and a new chapter came out. I'm sorry for the delay and I must also admit that this story is coming to an end. There will be only one more chapter, I guess, which will be the epilogue. I actually hate epilogues, but I felt like this pair deserves a future. :)

_And then I see the look in your eyes_

 

Cressida was angry, she damn was, but she couldn’t let Johanna go, she was the last one she had and maybe, really perhaps, she had overseen something. “Jo, please, I’m sorry.”

 

The brunette stopped walking away, but didn’t turn around to face the blonde again. She clenched her fists and opened them again definitely not knowing what to do next. “Will you listen to me? Will you listen peacefully to what I’ve to say? Promise me that!”

 

“Jo” Cressida sighed and wished she could take her lover’s hand. “How can I promise anything, when I don’t know what’s waiting for me?”

 

Abruptly Johanna turned around. “Promise me, show me that you’ve some trust left in me!” Her voice was strong and Cressida only nodded. “I will listen, but I won’t promise you to follow that plan before even hearing it.”

 

“I just want you to hear me out without exploding again before I even finished talking.” Johanna had calmed down and sat down on the armchair next to the couch, but she didn’t face Cressida just yet instead she peered over to Jane and Jason. The two teenagers left the room, when Johanna ordered them with her gaze to do so leaving the girls all alone.

 

Quietly Johanna started talking afraid the two youngsters could overhear them. She had no idea that they were in the resistance, too even if only in their heads, because they weren’t allowed to fight themselves.

 

“Listen…I know you think that an execution will only lead us back to where we’ve been before, but with Coin in power we end up there anyway.” Cressida suddenly cut Johanna’s words. “Just run away with me Jo!”

 

“You promised to hear me out.” The brunette sighed and Cressida dropped her gaze nodding slightly and Johanna went on explaining. “We can’t run away like this Cress, what was all this for then? This revolution, all the deaths – it should mean something, so we’ve to get rid of this new bitch of a Snow.”

 

The young director looked up again, staring directly into Johanna’s beautiful eyes so that it took her a few seconds to finally speak up. “What’s my role in this Jo? What plan did you and that crazy kid concoct?”

 

“Killing Coin.” Johanna whispered after leaning over to Cressida, who shrugged a little, when she felt her lover’s hot breath on her skin.

 

“I figured that Jo.” She giggled a little, while the whole situation was anything, but funny and suddenly she realised what the two girls had planned. “Ok….ok fuck…ok I’ll do it…but I’ll only do it for you.” Cressida murmured nervously, but she knew of the importance it had for the girls.

 

A smile built up on Johanna’s face and she closed the remained gap between the two of them and kissed the blonde full on the mouth. Cressida laid her hand on her cheek and caressed her soft skin with her thumb, while Johanna sat up and ended up laying on top of her. The blonde licked over the brunette’s lips until her mouth opened to allow her tongue inside.

 

As much as Cressida wanted to finally feel Johanna, she knew that this wasn’t the right place and not the right time. So they just kissed until both separated to gasp desperately for air, their cheeks flushed and their lips bruised and Cressida tried her best to fully ignore the drowning wetness between her legs. “Be my girlfriend.” She breathed out and was immediately shocked by her own words and also by her voice that was so full of desire, so full of want.

 

Johanna pressed a kiss on her forehead, she didn’t know what to answer. The feelings exploded in her just as much as in Cressida, but she was unable to put them into words. She knew that she was in love with that woman, but she couldn’t say it out loud and so all she did was nodding.

 

Cressida grabbed her girl’s head and kissed her deeply again. She didn’t expect Johanna to reveal any words of love to her, since she wasn’t able to do so herself. Asking her to go steady was already more than she had expected of being able to do. However, it had happened in a moment during which she felt drunken of love, during which she felt as happy as she had never been before and somehow it had just seemed to be the right thing to say.

 

….

A few weeks later it was the day, the last day of horror they had to go through. Cressida felt out of place the moment she saw the place. They had put too much make-up on her face for her taste and everything looked so bizarre, so incredibly odd. It actually looked so much like it always had, if Snow wouldn’t be the one tied up.

 

Pollux was next to her on one side of the field. Johanna and the other remaining victors stood on the other. The blonde wasn’t looking over to them, she was full of fear. What if the plan wouldn’t work? What if someone had already found out?

 

She tried to hide her angst behind her poker face that actually made her look like she would smash down anyone, who would decide to step into her way. Only this one more time, only a few more minutes and all this is done, she thought to herself.

 

The drums started playing and they freaked her out, but only on the inside on the outside she held on her mask. She heard the bombs falling again, saw all the fire and heard the terrifying screams again. Pollux face twitched next to her and she knew that he saw and felt the same. Her hands grabbed the camera even stronger as if she would squash it.

 

When it already seemed like an eternity, as if it would have never ended Katniss finally appeared. Her gaze was impossible to be read. Did she also fear something? Did she even feel anything? Cressida’s mind went blank and turned on automatic. She was in professional modus, there was nothing that should distract her anymore, they only had this once chance.

 

Her heart beat violently in her chest, her breath was fast and sweat flew over her skin, but Cressida ignored everything holding the camera with strong hands oppressing them from shaking. Within seconds she felt as if she wasn’t actually there, she felt as if she was the one in front of the TV watching as Katniss drew her bow. Watching absently as the girl suddenly lifted it and with only little noise the arrow rushed into the air to hit its target.

 

Nothing could prevent her from shaking anymore, the camera fell to the ground, where it broke into dozen pieces. People came running and screaming, but they weren’t interested in her, no they passed her to jump onto the loud laughing Snow. Soldiers pushed Katniss away and Cressida still felt as if everything was surreal, until someone shook her shoulders.

 

“Cress! Cress come one!” Johanna screamed at her, but it sounded so far away despite her staying right in front of her.

 

“Jo!” She supported herself onto her girlfriend’s body. “Jo, where am I?”

 

“Come on!” The brunette only screamed again grabbing her hand and dragging her away with her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart*


	21. I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the Epilogue and so the journey is ending.
> 
> Thanks to everyone, who stayed with me and kept reading. Thank you all for all the comments and all the kudos! :)
> 
> This chapter is nsfw!

Epilogue

_And I lost my faith, in my darkest days_

 

Johanna was already laying on their bed that was much smaller than the one she had had in the Capitol. Like so very often she waited for her girlfriend to come home from yet another trip out into the districts, where she filmed the reconstruction of Panem.

 

_They had escaped to live in peace back in district 7. Cressida hadn’t fought against Johanna’s decision, had her let drag her into the train that waited at the platform, as if everything had been planned._

_Both girls had crashed into one compartment, where they had crashed onto the huge bed and had kissed as if it would have been the last thing they would have ever done. It was the first time they fully stripped of each other’s clothes and it was also the first time they ever made love with each other._

 

Cressida had surprisingly quickly started working again and Johanna guessed that she was the reason, the closeness that was too much for the blonde so that she simply needed to run away from time to time. Being a director was everything Cressida had ever done and so it was the only job that made it possible for her to be on the road often, which she could do.

 

Johanna never minded with the blonde being absent that often. She enjoyed the empty house, it made her feel like she could finally breath freely again. Either way, after some time she missed the presence of the blonde woman, was looking forward to simply be able to hug her again.

 

Suddenly she heard the front door open and closing again. As usual her partner tried to make as less noise as possible, since usually Johanna was already fast asleep, but that night she had waited for her. It had been an extraordinary long trip, because she had also head to district 12 to pay Katniss and Peeta a visit.

  
Carefully Cressida tiptoed through the dark corridor of their small house that stood in the middle of nowhere, only surrounded by huge trees and as many grainfields as one could see. They owned an old red pick-up truck with which Cressida usually went to the train station in the nearby town. Johanna had never tried to learn how to drive. She enjoyed walking, because then she was all alone and could enjoy the calm nature around her. She never grew tired of the freedom and openness that lay in front of her. All the fences were gone and she could walk where and when she wanted.

 

With a small squeak the door of the bedroom opened a little and the light of the moon enlightened the blonde’s face just as much that Johanna could see that dark circles around her eyes. Quietly Cressida started to undress herself, when suddenly someone hugged her from behind startling her slightly.

 

“Welcome back home.” Johanna whispered against Cressida’s warm skin and placed a few kisses on her shoulder and neck, what made her lover lean back against her and sighing into her touch.

 

It felt so good to be finally able to touch her girl again, to place her hands on her abdomen and to cup her breasts through the fabric of her bra. Cressida placed her right hand on Johanna’s cheek and laid a kiss on the other, before fully turning around and pressing her mouth on hers.

 

The blonde slowly made them walk towards the bed until the back of Johanna’s knees touched the cold wood and she sat down Cressida placing herself on her lap not breaking the kiss. With her lover’s tongue in her mouth Johanna laid down on her back taking Cressida with her. Her hands quickly unhooked her bra and she threw it onto the ground.

 

Cressida’s hips moved desperately against Johanna’s and both moaned quietly before kissing again. The blonde’s mouth wandered over the brunette’s face placing little kisses everywhere. She sucked desperately at her neck and cupped her breasts with her hands.

 

Johanna’s hand wandered over the small of her back and then quickly made them roll over taking off her last piece of clothing before she drowned her face onto her warm centre. Cressida answered with moans and groans that grew louder and louder with every second. She pushed her hips against the younger woman’s face and grabbed the bedsheets strongly until she came undone breathing out her lovers name.

 

Johanna placed kisses on Cressida’s thighs what made the blonde shutter a little while she was still calming down from all the pleasure her girlfriend had just given her. Then she drew a line of kisses over her body until their lips touched again and Cressida could taste herself on Johanna’s tongue.

 

Desperately she made her fingers wander over the brunette’s equally exposed body and easily they slipped into her. Johanna moaned into her mouth and then broke the kiss resting her head against her lover’s one breathing hot into her neck until she reached her climax that made her tremble just as much as Cressida before.

 

The blonde bit her lips watching her girl come undone and it was truly the most beautiful thing she knew and she was sure she would never get enough of it. She kissed Johanna again and placed both of her hands on her cheeks. They kissed lazily and their sweaty bodies stuck at each other until they slowly drifted into sleep.

 

This was what made them feel at peace, made them feel at home and they knew their relationship wasn’t considered normal, but little did they care about what others thought. As long as they had each other, no one else and nothing else mattered.

 

_She is love, and she is all I need_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *title by: Parachute - She is Love*


End file.
